One Long Standing Bête Noires is My Own Families Unwillingness to Concede that there is some underlying causality to my inability to accomplish anything.
That is; i consider myself a reasonably hard working person in most ways - -
( that is; Aside from my Drawings, which i admit, i am a very lazy artist.
( but this may have something to do with ‘The Other Thing’. ) )
And i have an IQ of something like 130, and i had a GPA in College of 3.6;
But i’m never able to get anything done.
And i seem to attract these weird Job Related Fiascos.
And i very strongly prefer to avoid contact with other people.
So; It has seemed to me for a very long time, long before i was diagnosed with a schizoid personality disorder, or asperger’s or whatever;
There was something wrong with me.
Before these labels were available to me;
i thought of myself as a loner or explained this as my inability to feel ‘Loneliness’.
i find it -Deeply Incomprehensible- that this was not identified when i was in the 1-3 grades.
If anything; i have a very vivid recollection of an event that happened when i may have been in the first or second grade, when some unusual behaviour was identified, and rather than work to help me become more conventionally adjusted ( ? ); My teachers & mother simply blamed me for being a bad child and when i replied by becoming far more dysfunctional, they seemed content that at least i was no longer behaving ‘Incorrectly’.
The circumstances were that i was spending all my playground time on ‘the girls’ side of the playground. At Whittier Grade School, the Girls & Boys play areas were very strongly segregated; Such that the girls area was on the south side of the building, and the boys had the much larger north side.
i was told that i couldn’t play on the girls side, where i was actively playing in many different activities. When i was no longer allowed to play on that side, i no longer played with anyone. i would spend all my time, completely alone, standing in a corner, or engaging in one of my favorite activities, rubbing my hands along the cement, until they felt numb and funny.
This; My Teachers & Mother thought; Was more socially acceptable.
So now; Some many years after being diagnosed as having a schizoid personality disorder or Asperger’s, i am thinking that i must have had some other learning disability as well.
i’ve always been a terrible reader. i like reading short things, but have always had a great deal of difficulty focusing on or concentrating on a novel or even a magazine article.
And i am a terrible speller. No matter how many times the spell checker will correct me for using an i-e combination incorrectly; i am unable to learn their proper usage in all but a few cases.
When i was little; The Age of Learning Disabilities was still 20 years away, And Asperger’s wouldn’t be identified for at least another 15 years, So that there is a certain reasonable logic in allowing that my teachers didn’t have a label for my dysfunctionality, and having determined to their satisfaction that i wasn’t actually mentally retarded, they used the only category that they had available to them,
which was that i was lazy.
My Mother always bought into that.
And i like to think that i lived up to her every expectation.
But what annoys me nowadays;
Is that whenever i suggest that maybe i have, or had, an undiagnosed learning disability of some kind, My Mother & Father, Sister and Aunt Beverly respond with a very loud and unambiguous, clearly delineated ‘Hurumpth!’.
It is not at all subtle.
My theory on this is that if they were to acknowledge that maybe i’m not fully & consciously responsible for my inability to get anything done ( other than just plain laziness ), It would mean that my parents had ‘let me down’ or been ‘bad parents’.
And of course; They are loath to do that.
And now that both my Mother & Father are dead,
There is a sense of Unrequited Acknowledgment that i was trying to be good.
It annoys me that everyone thinks i am just lazy.
i think it is something else.