Saturday, January 08, 2000


i was born as The Left most Head & Torso of conjoined triplets at The Turn of The Last Century; In 1900. We shared 5 Fully Functional Arms with An Additional 3 Amorphous Stumps that Our Parents insisted we retain for Religious Reasons. We also had 9 Legs of Various Lengths, which made walking comical to those inclined to laugh out loud. We also had 7 Regions of Ambiguous Genitalia, which we displayed for Prodigious Fees, But most of those that saved & saved, Then paid this Appalling Inducement, seemed well satisfied after gazing on our strange wedges of bumps & ducts for The Allotted three minutes.

We toured Several Carnivals & Circus’; Endured countless Medical Examinations And Were Separated & Rejoined dozens of Times. We Changed our Genitalia several times in a futile attempt to attract The Love & Attention that we Imagined Ordinary People Enjoyed without Effort.

We Invented several of The Major Inventions that The World now enjoys; Although in each case; Charlatans & Hucksters stole credit for these Achievements.

After 55 Years of this continuous humiliation; We were finally Successfully Separated and Given to Different Families to be Raised under Three very different Political Philosophies. Curiously; We were all raised by Nudists & Studied Witchcraft & Divination, Animal Husbandry & Cat Whispering, Furniture Design & Carpentry; As well as Pan Handling & Purse Snatching.

Years later when we found each other under The Most Improbably Circumstances and moved into The Basement of A Startling Short & Foul Mouthed Excommunicated Nun.
We discovered that None of Us ever learned to Tie our Own Shoelaces, Write in Longhand, Mow a lawn, Defend Ourselves against a Bear Attack, Control our Ability to Spontaneously Start Fires, Make an Origami Crane, Change A Lightbulb or Master our Extreme Fear of Grasshoppers.

We Then Started a World Wide Cult that was responsible for Many Terrorist Acts, of which, None received Any Publicity by The Major News Agencies. During this Period; Our Previously Middle Sister was kept in a Barrel under The back Stairs to Protect both herself from Sharply Pointed Tools & Writing Implements, And to protect us from her frequent tendency to superglue Monopoly Game Pieces to our Faces while we were Sleeping. She was The First of us to Sicken & Die, Wrapped in an Old Blanket & Attentively Cared for in The Laundry Room. The Cult was Terminated; And We Required all of our Followers to have those portions of Their Brains that Contained Pass Codes & Details for The End of The World that We Revealed, To be Removed & Discarded in A Ritually Prescribed Manner.

We then endured a time of Collecting Cats to fill this Emptiness. Many of which were Rare Breeds that we allowed, to The Great Chagrin of Other Local Cat Collectors; to Procreate with Ordinary & Filthy Alley Cats. When we got up to 831 Cats; The Neighbors reported us to The Authorities, which took nearly all The Cats and Rendered them into Glue Sticks. Fortunately; We managed to save nearly all of Their Fur, which we knit into Several Meticulously Designed Quilts, Which won some Minor Local Awards.

Now there is just Wanda Louise & myself living together in The Closet of Dissociated Head, Kept Alive with Machines built by Thomas Edison, that hand crafts mailing envelopes with Remotely Controlled Chop Sticks. This was once a lucrative enterprise, but with The Collapse of The Post Office, We are required to pay most of The Rent; As The Head’s Poetry sells very poorly.

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Chrstphre Campbell
903 West Spofford Avenue
Unit Number Seven
Spokane Washington 99205-4558

My Fllickr Album
Especially Special Flickr Sets

Jiggery Pokery

Especially Special Flickr Collections
I Made This!
Zynes & StapleBooks

My Flickr Groups
Pure Kludge
Jiggery Pokery
Front & Back

Ancient Ancestors Flickr Album

My iCompositions Collection
Music that i wrote with Garageband

My Scratch Potpourri
Scratch is A Programming Language that was Created for Very Young Children,
But many Adults have been Using it to Make some Very Clever Programs.
i’ve used it to make several UnCode Encryptors.
An UnCode is A Method to Format a PlainText so That looks like It’s in Code,
But can easily be Read by An Attentive 3rd Grader ( In Most Versions ),
That knows The Secret.

More Curious & Enlightening Links

The Cabbage Codes

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In my Last Version of My Resumé
i noted that :

i think i may have this...! ( Dyscalculia! )

i have since decided that it is closer to :

Boolean Dyslexia
Concerning A form of Programming in which The Overview is easily achieved,
but the programmer confuses the use of simple mathematical functions,
such as * & ÷ or + & -.
The Boolean Dyslexic may also be confused by While Repeats & Do Until's.
Debugging is often reduced to randomly changing various functions...!

1 comment:

Wm Jas said...

"Asked to be Graduation Speaker at S.O.I.C." Does that mean you were asked to be Graduation Speaker, or that you asked to be Graduation Speaker.

If the latter, that's about the coolest thing I've ever seen on a resume.