Murder Most Mundane

This is the Third ( ? ) ( Recently Third ) of My Dark Thoughts Series.

Murder Most Mundane

All Things Related to Murder, Planning, Consequences, Evading Capture, &/or The Fame Associated with Successful Damnation

Most Crimes are Committed by Ordinary, UnImaginative Parakeets that use Tried & True Criminal Methods which are Indistinguishable from The White Noise of All Criminal Activity in a Given Region— It’s The Clever Criminals that Invent Their Own Unique Methods that are The Ones We ( The Police ) Catch. 

Anon. ( ? ) 

Any Theory ( or Criminal Case ) that fits all of The Facts is Obviously Wrong, Because some of The Data is Always Erroneous. 

General Purpose Murdering Tips

1. Run The Victim over with a Car. Be sure that you, The Driver, is Completely Sober and Free of Any Extraneous Distractions. Your Freedom is dependent upon the fact that you were driving very safely... And they just stepped in front of your car.

2. The Same Approach may be used when murdering a co-worked during a friendly game of tag-foot ball. Everyone was just playing in a safe and cautious manner, and we were all astonished when s/he broke their neck.

3. If you decide to mug & bludgeon a person away from their home or usual haunts, be sure to wear clothes that you would never ordinarily wear, and then remove them a block or two from the murder and dispose of them in a grease bin behind a chinese restaurant. Be sure to change Everything. Wear no Jewelry & Wash your hair & brush your teeth at a public restroom before going home. Dispose of The Toothbrush, Paste & Shampoo. If anyone sees you at this time, just ignore them.

4. Don’t Panic. Never Panic. Relax. Relax. Everything will be fine. If someone sees you in The Vicinity of The Murder, Along with other people, What in The heck were THEY doing there? 

5. A Victim is found Dead by What appears to be a Perfectly Natural Accident. In The Course of Notifying Friends & Relatives, The police come to your door to tell you that she is dead. They don’t say how. You respond in a Cheerful, but subdued Manner. The Police comment that your reaction is somewhat odd, and you reply that you’ve been planning on murdering her for several weeks now. You then ask how she met her premature demise, And they then reveal that it appears to be an accident. You say; ‘Really; Appears to be; An Accident?’ ‘Yes.’ The policemyn replies. ‘And you suspect foul play perhaps?’ ‘It’s still open to investigation.’ ‘Hmmm.’ ‘It would also appear that there is a One Million Dollar Insurance Policy Made out to You, as The Sole Beneficiary.’ ‘Ah, That is Curious, But not Entirely Inexplicable. I had until very recently a One Million Dollar Insurance Policy made out to Her as My Sole Beneficiary. We were engaged to be married, and just broke up about a month ago. I then changed The Beneficiary of My Policy to The Local Animal Hospital, and it would seem that she forgot or neglected to change her policy.’ ‘Ah.’ The Police then withdraw and continue their investigation. You of course; Did murder her in a clever manner so that it would look 90% like an Accident, And 10% Suspicious, On The Grounds that All Accidents ‘Should’ look a little suspicious. You then take The Million Dollars that you have patiently waited several months to collect on, after you have received word that The investigation has been completed and it was deemed to be an Accident after all, And give The money to a Needy NonProfit Organization that you have no ( No Previous ) connections with. There is a small caveat though. They are allowed to spend $500,000 of it on anything they wish to, And retain The other $500,000 in an account from which they are allowed to draw 60% of The Interest from; And divert 40% of The Interest to Another NonProfit Organization that you have set up, and your Administrative Fee correlates almost exactly with this 40% Interest amount. A Modest but Steady Income for Life. The 60% that they Receive will simultaneously keep their foundation afloat forever.

6. Too much planning will almost always work against you.

7. If you’re going to kill someone, with a reason; That’s motive. You have to eliminate the motive. If there’s money coming to you, make sure that it doesn’t. Get it later. If they’ve betrayed you, let everyone know that you’ve forgiven them, It was just a misunderstanding. 

8. If you want to kill someone with a arrow, but they’re several miles away, use a cruise missile that fires an arrow. GPS microchips were made for amateurs to commit these sorts of terrorist attacks or murders.

9. The Perfect Murders are the simple ones. There are countless unsolved murders each year, and while most are due to police incompetence, The remaining few had the unassailable virtue of leaving nothing for the bright investigator to work with. 

10. A Serial Murderer sends a tantalizing taunt to the police in which a number of clues are given, that the murderer promises will make the most elegant sense when the victims are discovered. These clues take many forms; Including Haiku, Poems, Pages from Magazines, Polaroid Snapshots, Matchbooks stapled together, A Book Report by an Unspecified Third Grader, A Can of Beets, which, when opened for the first time, contains a set of Barbie Outfits. In one clue, a carefully drafted illustration of the torso is provided, with all cuts, incisions, bruises and burns. Curiously; This drawing is marred by a spill of coffee, in which one of the droplets exactly match a birthmark on the victim.

11. Everytime there is a murder, suicide or accidental Fatality in your vicinity, go to The police and confess that you did it. Naturally, you’re going to get all The details wrong and be labeled a nut case. You may be institutionalized for a short time, but other than this one quirk, you’re perfectly normal ( do not pretend to be crazy! ) and you’ll be released. After several of these; Commit your desired murder and quickly confess to it, getting all The usual details wrong.

12. A victim is selected and brutally murdered on a crowed sidewalk. Police quickly arrive and shower the assailant with bullets, but the killer defends himself by waving his large knife, deflecting many of the rounds, some shots hit pedestrians, killing them as well. He then dashes off into traffic along a busy boulevard, Then stumbles. When the cars pass by, He has disappeared...! =/= The Victim is real, and was really murdered. The Police that arrive are confederates that shoot blanks, or alternatively, real bullets, but are carefully aiming at the surrounding crowd. The knife is rigged to flash and provide a convincing ricocheting sound. In Traffic, another confederate is driving a car that may well have been created in The Discovery's Channel; “Monster Garage”. It is equipped with a conveyer belt that drops down from below the car, catching the killer and pulling him into the car as it harmlessly drives over him. The Confederate Police vanish into the confusion.

13. Horrific Weapon Idea : Sidewalk Cheese Grater. This consists of a section of sidewalk or park play area being replaced with a matrix of tiny tiny chain saws, which when superficially examined, look like an ordinary walking or playing surface, but when activated, grind whatever is standing on it into tiny flakes of sawdust. Below this surface is a powerful vacuuming system which moves these flakes of sawdust to a storage area, so that the net effect is that the object formerly on the surface, sinks into the sidewalk, accompanied by gratuitous screaming. To further expedite this process, each tiny chain saw has diamond ( or equivalent ) cutting heads and if they encounter an especially difficult material, they will reverse their rotation, being able to grind while spinning in either direction. If a material is so difficult to cut through that it causes a grinding saw to reverse a fixed number of times in sequence, then the vacuuming system for that area is reversed, blowing the difficult material either off the sidewalk area, or changing the position of the target, so that a new cutting angle may be predicated.

14. Self Replicating Molecules are the hall-mark of living organisms, but unless i'm very much mistaken, smaller; Demonstration Level Self Replicating Molecules have been created. What if it were possible to create a Highly Reactive Self Replicating Chain Driven Molecule that Eats up Oxygen Atoms. You simply Release such a Catalyst into the atmosphere and it begins to combine with Oxygen Atoms or O2 Molecules, and adds them to it's chain Molecule. The Catalyst would be on one end, grab Oxygen Atoms and combine them to a Pre grown chain or make a chain from existing carbon or other pollutants in the vicinity. It might be especially good if the reactive chain required a given pollutant atom or molecule every 20 or so links, so that when it ran out, the production chain would stop. It might also gain sufficient mass to fall to the ground, where a substantially slower reaction activated by Ultraviolet Sun Light would break the molecular chain apart, freeing the Oxygen atoms. But by then; The damage would be done, having sucked all the Oxygen out of a large arena or enclosed area. 

15. This is an AntiMurdering Tip. Let's say you've captured someone and you have them tied up in your basement. Then for whatever reasons, and they might be complicated reasons, not moral or ethical reasons, for NOT Murdering this person... But how can you just let them go? They've seen you and they know all about your evil plans! The Solution is quite simple. Just; Either seek their cooperation in buying back their life, or go to their home and find out something about them that would be perfect for Blackmailing them for a very long time. / As A Second Element to all this; you may wish to take some time to break down their story that they were kidnapped at all! Arrange evidence that they were at some specific location ( use a look-alike ) other than in your basement, and that you were somewhere's else as well. Of course; If you're dealing with a hard boiled egg, They may just turn around after you've released them and try to kill you! So you have to take that into consideration and arrange for postmortem consequence that will outlive your personal means. / A side strategy to this is to make them believe, very strongly, that they were held someplace very different from where they were held, along with other details, such as how long they were held, or introduce characters that are dressed in very realistic frog or alien costumes, so that when they turn up, their story is completely crazy.

16. Invent a gun that shoots 3 inch disks with either a diamond ( carbon coated ) edge or teflon edge. This weapon should shoot them like Frisbees, taking into consideration how they will track in a given wind, adjusting it's aim as it follows the path of tracer, illuminated disks that are stacked with the invisible ones.

17. Given that you are a large person, say more than 200 lb.  You murder someone in a rather straightforward manner, leaving a plethora of DNA & Fingerprints at the crime scene. This murder takes place in an area where you would be expected to leave clear & unambiguous footprints. You then make up a pair of boots whose imprints exactly match those of your favorite boots, such that there are, what might be assumed to be unique marks, cuts and breaks in the soles. These duplicate boots are then fitted to smaller boots and heavily weighted. These are then disposed of at a location where they will certainly be found by snoopy people that will turn them over to the police. / Using the DNA & Fingerprint evidence, the police quickly locate you, examine your boots and match them to the crime scene. But there is then the question of the duplicate boots? Obviously you were framed! Additional planted clues then point to one of your enemies, hence your murder nabs two birds with one stone.

18. You and a friend plot to murder your roommate. The murder is messy and blood is found on you and your friend's clothing, as might be expected, because the three of you frequently engaged in kinky sex. One of you, Either you or your friend is charged with the murder. The other takes the stand and admits that they committed the murder, thus freeing the other. ‘B’ Then Either makes vague and disingenuous statements in their statement to the police, suggesting that 'B' blamed themselves for The Victim's death, as a Suicide. That is; B believes that The Victim was not murdered, but that they committed suicide and that they, 'B' was responsible by their careless behaviour. If in the event the police decide to charge B, 'A' takes the stand and confesses that the police had it right the first time, and that 'A' is guilty of the murder.  B is found innocent and neither can be charged again. Nor can they be charged with conspiracy to murder the victim, as A claims to have murdered the victim by themselves, and B claims that The Victim wasn't murdered at all. ( Principally derived from a short story i once read )

19. A side step of that last plan; Is to murder Henry. The murder is planned to look to a seasoned investigator like a complicated suicide, that Henry carefully planned to frame Gertrude for his own suicide, as a murder. The net effect is that The investigator will believe that Henry committed suicide but framed Gertrude, so that the police will think that Gertrude murdered him. But the police know that Henry committed suicide, Or did he? Was he really murdered by Gertrude that tried to make it look like a suicide? At any rate; You are clearly out of the loop.

20. Tandem Bombs : If one is tampered with, The second, more carefully hidden bomb goes off disabling the bomb squad guy, without disturbing the timing of the primary bomb.

21. The Police arrive at A House in a Residential Area to find The Front Door Open. The Neighbors reported considerable screaming in The early hours of The Morning. In one Bedroom, The Victim is lying face down, dead, with numerous knife wounds. A Man is Sitting in A Chair, Stupefied, A Knife is on The Ground under his limp hand. The Victim is discovered to have absolutely no blood in them, & The Blood covering The Room & The Assumed Murderer is not The Victims. It is Goat Blood. The Fingerprints on The Knife is not The Assumed Murderer’s, but The State Governors. The Knife is not The Murder Weapon. The Assumed Murderer’s last memory was watching TV in his own home, 40 miles away, while his wife was sleeping upstairs. This Alibi checks out. The House is not The Victim’s house. The Victim lives several miles away, & their room is filled with crazy professional produced drawings of an invention that would allow everyone to escape The Grid, But many pages of The Device’s plans are missing. It is then discovered that The Victim was taken from a morgue, having died of unrelated causes 2 days ago. 

22. If you are caught and it is proved far beyound a reasonable doubt that you did it, Then:
Argue that you should be allowed to Murder People with the same impunity and Lawfulness as The Government does, So long as you adhere to Their Standards of Murdering People.
Such as : Capital Punishment, CIA Assassinations, Police Shootings of Innocent By-Standers, Collateral Deaths in War, or Near War Zones, Any number of ‘Accidental’ Deaths, in which it assumed that Angels ( You do believe in Angels Don’t you! ) wished them dead, or they would have saved them. ( Do Angels allow anyone to be killed before their assigned Date? )

23. The Best Murders are ones that look like a perfectly natural accident. Such as Falling from a roof while cleaning out The Leaves in The Gutters, and landing on Their Head. But what if you want to kill your boss at work. He’s in his 30’s or 40’s and still playful, you encourage him to play a game that some of you in The Office have taken a fancy to, and that is; Sliding down The Railing in The Stairwell. The Railing is arranged so that you can slide down floor after floor without loosing your momentum. After several office workers have witnessed him participating in this activity, One afternoon, simply drop him down The Central Empty Shaft. If you can arrange to have witnesses believe that you were elsewhere in The Building at The Time, so much The Better, but if you were present at The Time of this Horrible Accident, That should be fine too.

24. A Hit Man(ess specializes in arranging their victims to be doing something insanely dangerous in front of an audience of dozens of their friends & family, so that there can be no doubt that it was an accident.

25. If your victim has The Sort of Job that is Inherently Dangerous; If you can arrange their murder to look like a Job Related Accident or Fatality, then there wouldn’t be an investigation making any effort to link you to their Death. / If on The Other hand, their job isn’t at all Dangerous, You can still arrange for a Job Related Accident of The ‘Freakish’ Nature that again shifts any possible relationship to you all The more Unlikely. / Another Great approach would be to dress up like a street thug & Murder your victim in a 7-11 or other Corner Grocery Store as part of A Robbery. Be sure & wear a Disguise. 

26. Plant a Children’s Lunch Sack at The Bus Stop at a time when you victim is expected to show up. Poison The Cupcake, which they will certainly eat.  / If The Victim is A Drug User or Alcoholic, The Sack might contain something more Tempting. If An Controlled Substance; Make it especially potent, so that a regular dose will be an overdose. 

27. It might also be fun to leave poisoned Drugs in Shady Neighborhoods to get rid of The Riff Raft. Whatever poison you use, It should be of a kind that takes a long time to kill The victim, without a noticeable Onset of when they first become sick so that they don’t associate The Found drugs with their Illness & Demise. 

28. As with any ‘Big’ Crime; It is always best to arrange for most of The Work to be done by Law Abiding Citizens that don’t believe that they’re doing anything wrong, So that if your all caught, they will be found innocent of any wrong doing, because they will in fact have done nothing wrong. Each Partitioned Element of The Crime is Perfectly Legal, & Only becomes Illegal when they are all Assembled into a Continuous Stream of Action. Even The Planners may reasonably plead Innocence as they fully expected That The Result would be, Should have been, Perfectly Legal. When this applies to Murder; The Death of The Victim is merely a Horrible Accident. 

29. Serial Killer Tool Kit / Blankets that look like A Pile of Leaves, Garbage or Bricks. This may be thrown over a victim so that they will go undiscovered for hours, days or weeks after your spontaneous murder. / Taser / Defensive Chemical Agent / Silencer / Night Vision Goggles / Proximity Alarm. This ( These ) work with your cell phone to alert you when someone enters a designated area. / Variety of Official Looking Badges & Identifications / Remote Controlled Weapons that work with your cell phone, so that you can view & fire/detonate weapons from a remote location. / Kitten or Puppy to lure children away from their parents or guardians / Roll of Money to lure women into your car or away from a party / Big Durable Garbage Bags. + Several Cans of Spray Adhesive + Duct Tape. This Approach also requires some ‘On Hand’ material, such as leaves, grass or garbage to glue to The victim ( which has been taped into a ball ) & then place in The Large Durable Garbage Bag to leave in a dumpster. This is to assure that if The bag is broken or torn open, only this debris will be discovered. Once The body has been transferred to The City Dump, you can rest assured that it is gone forever. / Cell Phone Disabler. This might well extend to A General Purpose Radio Communications Disruptor. / Stiletto. An Excellent Murder Weapon if Used Properly, Which is to Enter The Chest from under The Sternum to poke a hole in The Heart & give The Blade a Subtle Twist before Removing it. The Desired Effect is to allow The Body to Very quickly bleed out internally & Die quickly, which prevents any additional blood loss through The Entry Wound. / A Ready Supply of Murdering Clothes, which will be disposed of after each murder. / Disguises / Quick Change Clothes. These are ‘Professional Magic’ Outfits which may be changed very quickly, as in The blink of an eye. / 

30. Disguises are always a good idea; Then dispose of The Disguise a few blocks or more from The Murder Site. The Principle Idea; Get into The Disguise some distance from The Murder; Then Get out of it soon after, & get rid of it in such a way that it will not be associated with The Murder or You. It may be perfectly alright ( somewhat counterintuitive ) if you kept an extensive disguise kit, & disposed of only The Disguise that you used for a particular murder. The police would find your Disguise kit if you were captured, but your attorney could argue that The kit is missing The Disguise that was seen at The scene of The murder. This would be a classic case of The police insisting that The missing evidence is The Proof of The Crime. ( which any lay person should recognize as crazy talk. )

31. Acting Crazy, or Acting like a Crazy Person before Murdering a Victim in A Crowded Venue may be very desirable if you have a good ( foolproof ) Exit ( Escape ) Strategy. Once extracted from your Disguise & Murder Location; Finding you will be nary impossible.

32. Murder by Monkey ! Train a Monkey ( The Cuter The Better ) to Tear The Face off Dummies or Hobos, then release it in The Vicinity of The Desired Victim. Be sure to Sharpen their Fingernails or put Steel Clawed Mittens on them ! You might also try other ( Unexpected  or Expectable ) Animals, such as A Bear, Wolverine, Coyote, Badger, Dogs ( of course ), Basket of Minx, Chinchillas or Ferrets; Seagulls, Crows or Ravens, NonNative African or South American Ants, Mosquitoes infected with Ebola or Hunta Virus, Komodo Dragon, Alligators or Crocodiles; Or A Swarm of Black Cats. / Be sure that The Attack is Entirely Unexpected, in an Unexpected Location. When you’re told about it, Faint with Confusion & Disbelief. 

33. Rocketized Bullet Helicopter
For use in Assassinations when the client is in an impossibly distant, remote, around the corner position, in a crowded area where the single target is necessary. A large bore rocket propelled shell is fired in the general direction, then breaks apart, deploying a tiny helicopter which is positioned by remote control or autonomous facial identification to make the final connection.

34. Crazy faux Murderer
Whenever a murder occurs in your area, Go to the police and insist that you did it. Get all the details wrong, as you natureally would and then sulk away when they refuse to arrest you. It should be noted that they may arrest you anyways, and in fact invite you to confess to many other unsolved murders... If so; Then play along for awhile, and then arrange for their crazy scheme to close countless unsolved crimes to be exposed. Else: After a dozen or so confessions; Commit a series of murders on your own, taking care to confess to these as well, getting all the details wrong.

35. Simple Assassination Escape
It has always annoyed me terribly that many Presidential Assassins have given their assassination plot so little thought, that they simply walk up to the President and shoot them. This has always seemed incredibly stupid to me... But it may be quite clever if you add another simple layer to your plot by arranging for several police cars to show up and brutally arrest you... Except that they're not really real police. They are your confederates.
- -
This idea seems so familiar to me that i suspect it's been used in some movies that i have otherwise forgotten...???

36. Fingerprints from Guns is Very Improbable.

a) Recovered .5 to 10% of Cases

b) Most Gun Surfaces are Designed to Easy Grip with Rough Surfaces

c) Recoil smudges prints

d) Oily surfaces are inhospitable to prints

e) Grip is usually hard that smudges prints

f) Prints are wiped off when storing it in a waist band or pocket

g) : - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - : o

37. Murder by Incidental Proxy / This idea is quite simple; It allows you to murder someone in such a manner that there is a Delayed Fuse ( So-To-Speak ) on The Murder Weapon :

a) Insert A Prepared Log into their Outdoor Stack of Fireplace Cord Logs which Either Explodes Catastrophically, Releases a Toxic Gas, or Detects The Interior Temperature from The Move from outside to Inside, & releases  poisonous Snake or Spider that  has remained in a Cold Weather Stupor while waiting for it to be taken indoors.

b) Sneak into The Victim’s House & Poison All of their Food with a Substance that will kill The Victim in A Painstakingly Slow Process, to allow you to leave The Country or be otherwise far away when they finally fall over dead.

c) Disguise yourself as a Pizza Deliver Boy, & Take them a Poisoned Pizza after intercepting a call for a Pizza to be Delivered to them.

d) Modify some feature of their car so that it fails at some time days or weeks from The day of The Tampering. When The Element fails due to being over-stressed; It will look all The more like a perfectly accidental accident.

e) Replace their MP3 Recordings with Duplicates which include Subliminal Messages to Undermine The Victim’s Self-Esteem & Drive them to Suicide.

f) xxx

g) xxx

h) : - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - : o

38. In _Dexter_, Dexter always went to great lengths to cover his murder spot, which was always chosen to be as uncontrollable as imaginable, with sheets & sheets of plastic, to protect The room from any blood splatter, presumably, even though his method always insured that there would be very little blood from The murder, but— we were never privy to The dismemberment sequence, so that’s what it was put up for, presumably. But it seems to me that that much additional materials being inserted into a murder scene is only going to leave more evidence, Not less. i can’t seem to recall how he was putting up The plastic sheets, but if he was stapling them up, that would leave holes all over The room, & also points of seepage where blood could leak into The walls. 

39. But what i was thinking of; Was an ( imaginary - Not yet invented ? ) Spray on Material that could be used to Completely Cover a murder Scene, then after all The murdering & dismemberment was finished, you’d wait for The blood & gore to settle & dry a bit, possibly accelerating this phase by spraying coagulants on The blood pools to solidify them— Then apply an Electrical arc through The Spray on Plastic Coating, which would cause it to Shrivel All up, into an Amorphous Ball, which would be comparatively easy to dispose of. 

40. You Invite your Enemy to a Prepared Kill Zone, Which is at some Semi-Public location where there will be plenty of un-scripted witnesses that will unambiguously report that you murdered your enemy in cold blood then dragged them inside to an undisclosed area. / When The police arrive, you go out to meet them & deny that you murdered anyone, which is lying & lying is always bad, but you’re already a murderer, so how much more trouble are you getting yourself into ( ? ) ! The police note that there is a clear path of blood where you dragged The victim inside, which they search & do Not find The victim. They take samples of The blood trail, which is determined to be raspberry juice, which is What you told them it was. The Prepared Space is a seemingly simple area, which is actually substantially more complicated, obfuscating its actual purpose of hiding The body & creating The faux trail of blood. 

41. Commit a Murder in such & such circumstances so that it is hopelessly ambiguous as to whether you intentionally murdered The victim ( Murder One ) or Accidentally killed The Victim as an act of Negligence or Benign Circumstance — With The Intention of Appealing your Conviction on The Grounds of being inappropriately Charged, No matter what you are charged with. 

42. Apparently; For The First Time; A Privately Owned, Civilian ‘Helicopter Drone’ is used as a Platform for a FireArm to Shoot From. ( July 2015 )

43. xxx

44. xxx

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Interrogations 

1. Always mirror your interrogator's demeanor, match meanness with meanness, sarcasm with sarcasm. This is particularly useful when the interrogation is done outside a police station, at the suspects home or work place. If you happen to get a police officer that likes to imitate lieutenant Columbo, you may try to out Columbo him, pestering him to stay and stay while asking him endlessly pointless questions, following each up with more questions to make him think that you're actually going somewhere with your questioning, but of course you're not.

2. It may be effective to simply drive your interrogators crazy by consistently answering Their questions with completely inappropriate answers. That is; Make up some other question in your mind, Then carefully & politely answer that one. Other than this one Technique, Do Not act dumb or crazy.

3. Making a ‘Street Officer’ ( Not a professional Interrogator ) so angry with your shenanigans that s’he attacks you, This may or may not work in your favor. ( Be sure that you’re being Videoed from a sufficient distance that The Conversation you’re having with this Officer is Not being recorded ) 

4. Ordinary People never remember where they were or what they were doing The day before yesterday. If you claim certainty about such a date’s activity, This is a sure sign of Guilt. / Likewise; An ironclad alibi is extremely rare, investigators are very suspicious of anyone with an ironclad alibi.

5. If you’re trying to feign multiple personalities, or any form of insanity, never draw attention to this. Let The investigator piece it together. Insane people are always convinced that they are completely sane, but don’t be overly confident that you are sane, You are so sane that it should be obvious. Likewise; Do not claim to be unusually intelligent or ‘Not Stupid’. 

6. Curiously; Genuinely stupid people ( IQ Range 75 to 90 ) often use The Phrase; ‘I’m not Stupid!’ So maybe that would be appropriate, if you’re feigning Stupidity. But don’t over do it. People with an IQ lower than 80, are usually aware that they’re dumb and don’t usually draw attention to it. People with an ‘Average’ IQ, are usually very proud that they’re ‘Normal’, Believing that both especially dumb or smart people are ‘Dangerous’.

7. Innocent People are usually confident that any interrogation will reveal that they are innocent and that they are only being questioned to piece together what happened. 

8. If The Police ask you to ‘Guess’ what may have happened, Politely decline. / If they are very insistent; you must walk a fine line of getting some of The obvious details correct, while The important details wrong. If The police try to corral you into correcting your ‘mistakes’, then you should give them a quizzical look & suggest that they already know what happened.

9. If you are guilty; And you are discussing The Crime Scene, be sure to get as many details wrong as you can. Even if they tell you The victim was stabbed, quickly forget this, and insist that you were sure that they said she was bludgeoned.

10. Act Distracted, Like you’re not at all concerned about what is going on.

11. If they leave you alone; Assume that you’re being watched & recorded.

12. If The Interrogators are annoying, let them know that you’re annoyed, Innocent people are expected to be ‘put off’ by unnecessary nonsense.

13. Ask to go to The bathroom, and if they tell you to hold it; Crap your pants. Then tell them that you’re HIV positive. This will require that The Entire floor be cleaned by a hazmat team, costing tens of thousands dollars. If they later discover that you’re not HIV positive, insist that you were sure you are because you have all The symptoms, Pointing to a mole or (x as an AIDS Skin Cancer. 

14. If they continue to harass you until you confess; Give in only after several days, and get all The details wrongs, even if they are constantly prompting you with The correct details. If you’re required to write out your confession, write as illegibly as possible, misspell common words and mangle your sentences. Sign your name in an entirely new manner.

15. The Interrogator will try to ‘Dominate’ you by sitting much to close, and take pains to see your entire length. Simply over dominate them by leaning into them when answering questions and keep changing your mannerisms to confuse their natural attempts to decide if you are being deceitful. Adopt a particular mannerism when you are being truthful, and one or more for when you’re deceitful. Then; after some time, mix them up.

16. Projectile vomiting is an amazing talent if you can do it whenever you’d like to.

17. Never brag to anyone what you’ve done. This is such an amazingly stupid behaviour for criminals. You want to get away with it! If you do decide to brag to your cellmates, get all the details wrong.

18. If The Interrogators ask you to examine something by picking it up take a better look at it, Politely decline. If after additional prompting, you still refuse, giggle a little. ‘Oh— So you think this is funny!?’ ‘I think it’s funny that you think I’m so stupid as to pick it up, Which actually means that you are stupid.’ Ordinarily; You never want to tell someone that is genuinely stupid that they are stupid, Especially if their are in a position of power. Curiously; Telling a Smart person that they are stupid, when they have in fact done something ‘foolish’ or ‘Uncalculated’ or Underestimated your Intelligence, they will simply shrug it off and change tactics.

19. If you find yourself giggling or laughing ‘inappropriately’ & are asked what’s so funny. Decline & then if pressed; Tell The lead detective that his nostrils are funny. Or some other aggravating reason. 

20. xxx

21. xxx

22. xxx

23. xxx

24. xxx

25. xxx

26. xxx

27. xxx

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Torture Tips

Whether you have a day or a year to extract some information from your victim; 

Or whether you just want to mindlessly fawk with someone for your personal amusement...

a) You remove someone to a secluded location and then make them believe that you’ve cut their head off and are preserving it without their body. Then over time, you change their numbed body to a different appearance, include weight gain or loss, pigment or tan change & muscular changes, than when they arrived, fake a surgical scar around their neck to make them believe that someone else’s body was attached to their head and release them. The purpose of all this; ?

b) Making someone believe that they are in a quite different environment than they are, while they are kept completely in the dark, can be loads of fun. You can fake echos to make them believe they are on a ledge with a deep precipice just inches away, or there are rats or other wild animals near by. Or that there is mysterious machinery near by. The purpose of all this; ?

c) Allow your victim to escape again & again ( almost ).

d) Treat your prisoner reasonably well, but make them believe that there are other prisoners being horrifically tortured near by, especially prisoners that they know or have come to know, and are planning an escape with. Or feed them well, and allow them to believe that they are eating the other former prisoners.

e) Make them believe, through carelessly left junk mail, magazine subscriptions & television programs that The Current Date is very different from what they believe it to be. ( ? 

f) Torture them in a perfectly convention manner, but allow them, make them believe that Their tormenter is someone that they know, such as a coworker, neighbor, governmental official, famous celebrity or relative— then let them escape. 

g) TortureTip

h) TortureTip

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Domestic Dispute

Tuesday, August 13, 2013 8:46:10 AM

You murder your spouse; Better if The Victim is The Husband, as it seems to make more ‘sense’ to The Police & Western Civilization if a Myn pointlessly commits suicide. 

The Murder is committed with a hand gun to The side of The Head or through The roof of the Mouth. ( Use a Silencer or commit The murder at a moment when The gun shot will go unnoticed ( ? ) )

Then call The police reporting a domestic dispute. 

When The police arrive, you ( The Wife ) run out in a flimsy nightgown with your breasts jiggling ! You are hysterical. While attempting to report what has been happening, there is a loud POP!, like a gun shot ( or big firecracker ).

The police cautiously enter The house or apartment to find an obvious suicide !

Murder by cop

Monday, September 16, 2013 7:16:28 AM

Suicide by cop is a phrase often used by The police to explain why they shot a disoriented teenager 50 or more times at a highschool dance,

But you might also easily use The Police to murder someone. 

You desire to murder person (x, you have ‘prepared’ (x for some weeks prior to this by filling them with thoughts of paranoia & The knowledge that The cops are out to get everyone. This strategy works much better if The victim (x is black, male & ugly. 

Then you invite them over some evening ( after dark ) & before The victim (x is due to arrive, you call The police reporting a prowler, The timing here is both critical & fortuitous, who arrives first ? The police, The victim (x ? Hopefully, with either scenario, The police & victim both panic, & The victim (x is murdered by The Police. If not; The paranoia of The victim (x is successfully inflated & The police now have a documented case of The victim (x acting recklessly in a suicidal manner. Wait 2 weeks & repeat The experiment. 

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There are many other variations on this; Some may be quite contrived, but The simplest ones are always The best.

Disposing of your Victim

Saturday, October 26, 2013 11:46:54 AM

The More Obvious your Method; Is Usually The Best Solution.

Spray Glue is Invaluable for This Purpose.

Wrap your Victim in a Black Sheet after spraying your victim with Aerosol Glue— Then :

Affix a generous layer of Dirt with more Spray Glue, before dropping it into an open grave that it going to be used in a conventional manner in The near future.

Or a generous layer of Leaves before putting The Victim out in a plastic bag for trash removal. 

Neither of these are terribly effective with Large or Fat People though, For Fat People :

Affix a generous layer of small stones & drop in a lake.

Affix a generous layer of Grass, Raspberry Bush, Apple Tree or Poison Ivy Seeds & Drop off near a Rural Forest. 

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Alternately; Thoroughly Dry your Victim out with Salt or A more Effective Chemical Agent, then seal in a Vacuum Bag & Plaster The Victim into a Home being built. Not only will this get rid of your corpse, but The ghost of The Victim will be obligated to Protect The house. ( According to The Laws of Ghostly Responsibilities. ) 

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Bury The Victim in a Shallow Grave next to a large Ant’s Nest in A Remote Forest or in A Busy Highway’s Grassy Median.  Planting a Seedling Apple Tree in The Chest of The Victim might also be desirable. 

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Insurance Fraud

Thursday, December 5, 2013 1:32:05 AM

Dress up like a Bear then Cause The Victim ( that is heavily insured with a Life Insurance Policy with a Double Indemnity Clause for any Death Caused by a Wild Animal ) To Fall or Otherwise be Killed by some Effect other than An Actual Bear Mauling or having Been Eaten. ( Which would be Forensically Obviously Faked ). Perform this Murder in The Presence of Several Children that would be Simultaneously Reliable Witnesses & Be Easily Fooled by The Bear Costume. 

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Saturday, April 12, 2014 9:05:31 PM

Reading this sometime later; i notice that i have failed to include The Reason why i would simultaneously want The Police or Insurance investigators to believe that The victim was attacked by a bear, & also know that it wasn’t really a bear attack ( ? )

To Successfully ( Counting on The Forensic Investigator to be both over-worked & Under Qualified ( e.g. ( Not Quincy ) )) Fake a Bear Attack; You’d Need some Genuine Bear Saliva, Bear Fur ( Hairs left under The Victims Fingernails ) & Suitable Spaced Bear Claws with sufficient Strength to leave appropriately deep Claw Marks; Plus Remove some Chunks of The Victim that presumably would have been Eaten. 

( ? )

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The Seagulls

Saturday, December 28, 2013 12:34:09 PM

Train a swarm ( 50± ) Seagulls to do two things:

a) fly towards an infrasound beacon that is inaudible to human ears

b) peck frantically at The face of a particular person, or short of that; peck hysterically at a infrared ( or ultraviolet ) illuminated spot that would be focused on The Intended Victim. 

The seagulls should also have been infected with Ebola or (x ?

Murders by Opportunity 

Monday, January 20, 2014 5:34:20 AM

Many of your best Murders are performed during a pristine window of opportunity that unexpectedly opens and is recognized as A Chance of A Lifetime for you to Murder an Arch Nemesis that you’ve been steaming over for months or years. The Actual Circumstances of this Improbable Shot may vary widely, but suffice to say; You Culpability will be Considered Nil & Your Antagonist’s death will be sufficiently horrific. 

A Few simple examples may include their stumbling down a long flight of stairs, tripping into a bear enclosure while they’re mating, A Morphine Drip being accidentally set to a much greater quantity than medically prudent or a child playing with a handgun.

One Instance may be taken when a Coworker or Relative Violently, Hysterically or Deliriously Threatens to Kill your Rival with a audience of dozens or on video; Simply take this Slice of Fortuity and Murder The Desired Victim during a period when The likely Assassin will be without an alibi. 

Serial killer signatures by  Katherine Ramsland 

Monday, March 3, 2014 10:58:48 AM

Some killers leave very unique personal stamps.

Published on December 4, 2013

by Katherine Ramsland in Shadow Boxing

BTK's signature

In fiction, we often see evidence of highly creative behavior at crime scenes that signal the presence of killers with monikers like the Poet, Bone Collector, and Ghostface. It’s not difficult for even a rookie profiler to string together the various crimes.

Such obvious marks help with plots, but in real life they’re rare. Still, when I collected cases from different cultures and historical periods for The Human Predator, I found some that got my attention.

Crime scenes can reveal a lot about personality types and preferences in terms of showing an orderly, over-controlled, socially competent, or intelligent personality vs. a disorderly or socially immature personality. The type of crime depends on such factors as how a victim was selected and handled, whether there were post-mortem acts, and how the crime occurred.

Then there’s the signature (also called personation): an offender's method of perpetrating a crime shows his or her degree (or lack) of planning, but some also leave a personal stamp that can reveal specific fantasy-driven rituals based on needs or compulsions. That’s the signature.

In a way, it’s unfortunate that we use this term, because it connotes artists signing their work with a triumphant flourish. The killer’s signature, in contrast, is more like an imprint left behind, especially on botched incidents.

Signatures can be the result of a psychological deviance, but some are just for effect. Some offenders have posed a corpse in a provocative sexual position, carved something on a body, inserted items, or taken a souvenir. It’s thought that signatures originate with personality factors rather than arising from what’s needed to complete a murder. 

Signature analysis has not been subjected to many systematic studies, and so a myth has arisen that signatures always present in the same way. In fact, as many as fifty percent of offenders have admitted that they experiment with their rituals. A primal compulsion might drive them, but different victims and different situations present new opportunities to tinker. 

An offender might position a body for humiliating exposure, bite a victim in a specific manner, cover the face, wash the victim’s hair, or tie ligatures with an unusual knot. A serial killer in India left beer cans next to victims, while in Greece, another killer stabbed each of four elderly prostitutes exactly four times in the neck. A German killer usually left slanted parallel stab wounds, which helped to link his victims.

Here are some series with glaringly obvious signatures:

Between 1990 and 1991, three prostitutes were murdered in Texas. At autopsy, it became clear that their eyes had been skillfully removed. A tip from a woman who’d gotten away from a brutal john led to 57-year-old Charles Albright.

A hair and fiber analysis on debris from his home, a blanket, and the victims provided circumstantial physical evidence that implicated him. He also had a fixation on eyes, seemingly from his background in taxidermy, and a long history of deception and fraud. Albright was convicted of the murders, and while in prison, according to a segment of HBO’s Autopsy, he could be found drawing pictures of female eyes.

In Poland, young blond women were being disemboweled, mostly during public holidays, and the “Red Spider” wrote cryptic letters to police in spidery red ink, revealing where bodies could be found. He challenged them to catch him.

They did, thanks to an analysis of the ink that showed it was artist’s paint. Two victims (sisters) had been members of an art club. This lead implicated Lucien Staniak, 26, a government translator and an artist who’d once depicted a mutilated woman.

I-5 Strangler Roger Kibbe had a fetish since boyhood of cutting female clothing in unusual ways. Twice a week, he’d stolen such items from clotheslines, and after clipping them he’d often bury them. The same odd cutting patterns were found on the clothing of several of Kibbe’s seven murder victims. Reportedly, he’d used his mother’s scissors.

Then, of course, there’s BTK’s infamous signature, sexualized to resemble a female torso. Dennis Rader, revealed as BTK, wanted his crimes linked and was frustrated when they weren’t. He’d often call it in himself or send items to ensure that his BTK persona got credit. He crafted his signature for effect, as well as to set him apart as an elite killer.

Not a Serial Killer

Monday, March 3, 2014 11:02:03 AM

Locate Several Spots where accidental Deaths fairly routinely occur;

Such as Lakes or Rivers that feature several drownings,

Highways with dangerous curves,

Intersections that are unsafe for pedestrians,

& so on ?

Then paint a nondescript symbol or glyph in The area, so that The next time an accidental death occurs there, The police will eventually notice that these sites will invariably feature your serial murdering signature. 

It’s important that this pictoglyph does Not attract any attention when there is Not an accidental death ! 

Murder by Mistake

Friday, March 28, 2014 11:28:57 PM

Murder your Wife or (x with a high powered rifle from blocks away, while she’s standing vaguely near a politician or other celebrity, so that The Personality will be assumed to be The Primary Target.

Unruly Daughter

Saturday, April 12, 2014 8:49:15 PM

Lets say you have an unruly daughter; & she is upset with you over some trivial thing, & you also are annoyed with her over a series of longstanding, unresolved disputes, so much so that you’ve decided to murder her, & maybe start a new family with another, thinner wife.

Step one : Contrive to give your daughter a black eye or two black eyes & maybe split lip by some innocuous household accident. 

Plant The Seed into her mind through Subliminal Messages that she now has this Opportunity to ‘Get Even with You’ by telling her teachers at school that you were The one that ‘Beat Her Up’. 

During Questioning; She goes on to Elaborate more abuses that you’ve committed against her, So that Family Services are Called in, there’s a big investigation, You Wife Divorces you, The Daughter is put into a very disagreeable foster home, & then weeks or months later; she discovers you living under a bridge, having been beat up yourself by other Hobos that have been following this Media Fiasco.

Your Daughter ( Not Really Evil ) finally sees The Error of her Ways, Sees The Terrible Damage that she has brought upon everyone; You, her mother, her brothers & sisters that are also now in truly abusive foster homes, having lost all their possessions & family mementos; Then Writes a Suicide Note explaining what really happened from The Beginning, offering New Venues of Evidence that will verify all of these new disclosures & so on, then jumps off a bridge, landing in shallow water, where her dead corpse is easily retrieved from. 

You are then fully cleared; you are reunited with your good children, & are free to marry a new, more shapely wife, whose father hires you to manage a new manufacturing plant in Luxembourg.  

Details

Friday, April 18, 2014 7:58:09 AM

You should always try to keep your murders as simple as possible. 

If you want your victim to appear to be a suicide; 

It’s important that all The Details of The Suicide are in fact consistent with a Suicide.

Fill a Thoroughly cleaned out Spray Butter Dispenser with Nitrogen Fertilizer, to spray on The Victim’s Hand that they ostensibly fired The gun with. This will match The Forensic expectation of Firing Powder that gets all over everything when a gun is fired.

If The Victim puts The Gun in their mouth, make sure that their tongue isn’t pushed up against The roof of their mouth! No one that is actually committing suicide would do that!

Apparently— Dressing a Corpse is kind of Tricky, so if you think you need to dress your victim, see to it that they dress themselves in The appropriate outfit before murdering them. 

Blood pooling may be a problem if you murder The victim in one place & believe that it’s necessary to move them to another location, make sure that they’re found in The position that they laid in for a half an hour or more after The murder, so that their blood pooling ( drains to The lowest part of The body & starts to coagulate ) matches The pose that they’re found in.

Improbable Accidents

Wednesday, June 25, 2014 12:14:58 PM

There is a great advantage to murdering someone in such a manner so that The Death appears to be an Improbable Accident. 

Such Murders are never suspected as murders because of their Unwarranted Complexity & of course; Improbability.

You sneak into your Victims home, & using a jagged Shard of Glass from a broken drinking mug, Slash A Wrist with sufficient force to produce a copious blood flow. Then allow for a puddle to form on The Floor, arranging The corpse to appear to have slipped on The Puddle, knocking their head against The Counter, Causing if Not Unconsciousness, then a reasonable amount of confusion & disorientation so that they bleed out before they can call for help. 

You might also arrange it so that their cellphone battery is expended, making such a 911 call particularly difficult.

You then leisurely arrange The kitchen to make it appear that The Victim was washing dishes at The time of The Murder, perhaps allowing The sink to flood over, setting up an additional time-line that will fix The Time of The Murder that it slightly skewered from The Correct Time, in such a manner that makes your culpability less likely. 

Cheating Wife

Tuesday, July 29, 2014 5:23:13 PM

Lettuce say you’d like to dispose of your wife ( or husband ) because you’ve just become bored with them, but a divorce & all that that entails would be too tedious for you. 

So you contrive to send her one afternoon on an errand in a neighboring county, making sure that The route that she takes will leave a clear trail when her last steps are retraced later.

Then when she arrives at a farmhouse that has recently been abandoned, you murder her in The barn or somewhere else on The property, leaving her purse & other valuables, making it look vaguely sexual, as if her lover that she’d met there suddenly decided to murder her in a fit of Confusion &/or Anger.

When The Police ask you where you were during The Time of The Murder, Do Not have an IronClad Alibi, IronClad Alibis are always a sure sign of guilt. 

It would be prudent to drive to The farm house in a car stolen from a stranger, then returned to The car to a large parking garage, so that they’ll never even suspect that it was taken, only that they’d forgotten where they parked. 

It might also be prudent to wear a subtle disguise; Unusual Clothing, an odd, but regionally familiar hat, a fake beard, & park The car at a location Not immediately associated with The farm house; such as an adjacent area that requires you to walk some distance through a wooded area or along a sunken river route. 

Be sure to wear surgical gloves & thoroughly dispose of all These clothes & any other materials used in The murder. 

Yes i did it ( ha ha ha ha ha )

Saturday, August 2, 2014 10:56:54 AM

you have a neighbor that you don’t like at all & when she returns from an outing of somekind ( just released from jail ? ), you give her a pan of cupcakes as a welcoming back present. 

This neighbor knows however that you don’t like her, so she naturally suspects that you’ve poisoned The cupcakes! & she mentions this to you, so you suggest that that’s crazy talk & invite her to tell The mailman that she suspects that i’ve just given her poisoned cupcakes! she also tells & another neighbor ( that has more indifferent feelings towards her ) & also mentions it in her blog. Then The two of you eat The cupcakes with cocoa. You are careful to only eat The cupcakes with The yellow frosting.

A day later; This neighbor keels over at work, & The autopsy reveals that she was poisoned ! The tray with The cupcakes is recovered & The crumbs are analyzed for The poison which is Not found there. 

You did however poison her, but by injecting The poison into her roast beef when you were getting cream for The cocoas. 

Murder by faux embezzlement

Monday, September 1, 2014 3:12:46 AM

Simply kidnap your victim & murder them, while phase two involves breaking into The safe & their workplace & cleaning it out, so that it looks like they fled with The companies bankroll. 

obtaining The combination should be quite simple with The tiny video camera which are now ubiquitous. 

You might also take any other valuables that are laying around, or stealing some company secrets.

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a slight alternative to this— is that you make The boss think that your victim is being wooed by a rival company, so that when they disappear, its believed that they ran off with The company secrets in their head. 

TopicHeading

CreationDate

skewered duel

two men that deeply loath a third man conspire to murder him in a pistol duel. they have tried repeatedly to hamstring him into a rigged duel, but he is too cowardly to participate. curiously though, he frequently attends the duels of others. 

the two men a & b, conspire to convince several in their circle that they hate each other, and that both are terrible shots, while in fact, both are intuitive marksmen.

on the appointed day, the third man, c, is brought by unwitting fourth parties. 

the flag is dropped, and a shoots b, apparently winging him. as b falls backwards, stumbling over, he carelessly fires his gun wildly and hits c in his upper torso.

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if it is the case that both a & b really are terrible shots, the choreography of the duel is arranged so that a hidden marksman takes the kill shot at the moment that b fires his shot. only one gun shot is heard, after the first shot by a, because b's gun is rigged to silently expel a  puff of talcum powder at the prearranged instant of the shot by the marksman.

Alternatively; b fires an audible shot, while The marksman uses a silencer. 

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