Hallow's Eve 2008 Zyne [ Raw Ideas }

One Cover, originally uploaded by chrstphre.

There are quite a few strange characters in this post because it was copy & pasted from a TextEdit Document that had access to a different set of fonts...! ( ? )
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The Completed Zyne may be viewed on my Flickr Account:
Those of The Dead
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Halloween Project

Those of The Dead;
Deprived of The Smallest Monuments
A xxx StapleZyne
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2: Copyright
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3: Intrduction
Hallow’s Eve is such a curious Holiday.
It is The Witches & Druids Holiday of Samhain; The First Day of Winter, The day when the dead teeter on the edges of their graves, hesitant to step in to their final bed chamber of damp brown worms which will curl up in their eye sockets and flip absent mindedly through tawdry magazine articles.
For The Catholics; Who were attempting to Conquer The Preliterate, Marginally Agrarian, Midland Europeans— Who The Declining Post Roman Empire saw as bipedal farm animals; They simply moved one of their own holidays; All Saints Day, To this Pagan’s Holiday’s Calendric spot to usurp it. Their reasoning at the time was that they could claim that their religion was actually a more refined version of their Sticks & Bones beliefs; Which seemed to work well enough that they continued to it, Moving their own holidays around with such abandon, that in the end— Western Christianity has by a wide margin, Come to resemble a seasoned pot of Salmagundi, Chopped up scraps of inarticulated Pagan & Idolator bloodied Catechisms & soiled Ideologies. Modern Christians have completely forgotten the foundations of even The Catholic’s ad hoc religion that they claimed was a consistent & accurate framing of Jesus’ oral history.
We are much more Druidic, or Gaian; Than Reconstituted Jews.
And of all these Holidays; Hallow's Eve— Which is not celebrated on the day of The Early Catholic’s All Saints Day... But The Night Prior to it. Hallow’s Eve is our only Holiday that is Observed at Night, At the Bewitching Hour, Midnight; The Crossroads where spirits are easily confused, and may easily take the road less traveled— The one which leads to troubling mischief for all.
This Holiday is the very Antithesis of all other holidays. And it is the one that has, historically been the one most thoroughly embraced by both children & adults. Christmas only slightly eclipses it, because it so maddeningly over sold. Like McDonalds; If All The Advertising for Christmas were to be set aside for one year, It would fade to obscurity & be overlooked with distain; like Arby’s or President’s Day.
Happy Halloween; Our Best Holiday!


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4: Illustration & Haiku
The Hearse Song

Don't you ever laugh as the hearse goes by,
For you may be the next to die.
They'll wrap you up in a big white sheet,
From your head, down to your feet.
They put you in a big black box,
And cover you up with dirt & rocks.
All goes well for about a week,
Then your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
The worms play pinochle on your snout.
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
A big green worm with rolling eyes,
Crawls in your stomach & out your eyes.
Your stomach turns a slimy green,
And pus pours out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread—
And that’s what you’ll eat; When you are Dead!

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5: Title Page: Nine, or so, Fitful Stories that will make The Fine Hairs on The Back of Your Neck begin to Scratch & Pull on Your Shirt Collar So Forcefully that you will Stab at them with A Pie Fork.
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6: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story Is there such a thing as absolute goodness?
Stories that will make your ...
• A woman that i met briefly on a bus told me a story of something odd that happened when she was just a teenager. She had been home alone and it was just getting dark outside when she heard a baby crying on the porch. She waited for a few moments, expecting someone to knock or ring the bell, but no one did. When she opened the door, the crying stopped and no baby could be located. She stepped off the porch, looked around the side of the house, got a flashlight, and checked under the porch. She could find no baby. After she went back inside and closed the door, the crying resumed after a few minutes. She quickly went to the door and opened it. There was no baby. Again she closed the door and waited right beside it. When the crying started again, she listened intently to determine exactly where it was coming from. She decided that the crying was coming from the porch and snapped the door open. There was no baby. Later that evening The girls parents returned and she told them what had happened; The mother's face went ashen and the father fainted. Years later, this woman on the bus learned that that evening, he mother had gone to an abortion clinic & the fetus, that ultrasound had revealed was horribly deformed, was in fact, perfectly normal. Several months later; a woman sued the maternity clinic for malpractice when she gave birth to a horribly deformed baby that the clinic has assured her was perfectly healthy.
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7: xxx Horrific Things that your Parents didn't have to worry about.
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8: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story Does consciousness ‘do’ anything?
Stories that will make your ...
• There is a very popular Halloween Ghost Story that is so freakishly horrific that most people believe it to be completely fictional, But it actually happened & the psychotic killer was my uncle. After he was caught for all the lovers lane murders, he was sent to an insane asylum, and everyone expected that he would be there for the rest of his life, but after only 23 years, he was determined to be completely sane, and had no recollection of the murders, It was if the demon within him has just left and found a new body to inhabit. After his release, he didn't have anywhere to go, except to come and live with his sister, my mom. We arranged a spot in the basement for him to live, and he soon got a job as car washer & light maintenance provider along our car dealership strip. Soon however; Young lovers began to disappear, and the police suspected my uncle. He was taken in for questioning and a search of our basement found evidence that he was murdering again. Many years later when my mother was on her death bed, completely delirious & having been senile for many years, She confessed that she had murdered all those people and framed her brother! She'd done it because he wouldn't share his toys when they were children. Could this have been True?
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9: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story What is respect?
Stories that will make your ...
• My sister has a friend whose house is haunted by a very annoying ghost. The ghost's modus operandi is to leave messages around the house, which no one can read or decypher. There are mysterious notes in the columns of brand new books, or apparent letters or symbols written in the frost on windows or on dusty surfaces. Occasionally; a slip of paper is found in a pocket or under a glass in a cupboard with a partial sentence or a series of smudged numbers scrawled on it. Keys will disappear and are found repeatedly in a very specific spot on the basement floor, but her father refuses to dig it up to look for murder victims. Whenever you're at her house, you can flip through the channels on the TV and sentences will form from the programs that you linger on for a moment, and they nearly always, almost make sense. One time her dog was barking at something in the backyard, and she and her mother both thought that some of the dogs barks were intelligible English or French words. Her brother discovered that if you leave a note pad on the spot in the basement where missing objects are often found, and then lightly scribble on the second page with a pencil, a message will appear that looks like it might say something. Their cousin tried an experiment one time in which she cut up several envelopes of their junk mail into tiny pieces, then shook them up in a bowl and dumped them on the dinning room table. Several clumps appeared to reveal secrets that they couldn't quite make sense of. Her mother once hired a palm reader to come over and conduct a séance. The planchette moved about in such a tumultuous manner that the palm reader burst into hysterical weeping and an ambulance had to be called to take her away. After several years of this activity, the family just began to ignore all the imperfect messages & now; they've very nearly stopped appearing.
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10: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story Where are all The Aliens...?
Stories that will make your ...
• Amateur leg waxer accidently pulls the leg off a woman with a potassium deficient cartilage condition.
• • Angel Tears make anyone that touches them loose all knowledge of good & evil. After exposure to Angel Tears the victim will see everything that happens as just stuff that happens.
• • Scientists invent a mirror that doesn't reflect your image with your left & right sides reversed. It is then discovered that people that look at these reflections, can not recognize themselves, but that long tailed monkeys, most farm animals and many other animals that have previously flunked the mirror test for self consciousness, could recognize themselves with these new mirrors. This suggested that these animals simply processed a fully conscious understanding of their independent identity, but did it differently than reverse mirror animals saw themselves. This meant that all the animals that we were sure weren't conscious and could be used for medical experiments or eat, were actually just as conscious and self aware as we humanimals are.
• Computer simulation proves that the world is only about 100 years old. Prior to that, the moon would be orbiting within our atmosphere and the oceans would have covered every inch of land. What this means is still being debated.
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11: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story Is There nothing to consciousness by a sensation of awareness?
Stories that will make your ...
• When i was living in Bremerton, many quirky things happened, and because i'd made several sets of emergency keys to my room's lock, and given them to my upstairs landlord, which he then lost, it may be entirely reasonable that someone was simply sneaking into my room when i was out, and moving things around... But some of the things that were happening, were so odd that this explanation falls short of satisfactory. One example was that every few weeks i would have to relace my shoelaces which would become so uneven that i could no longer tie them into a bow. This struck me as very odd, in that if this were a natural occurance, then when could the laces become askew? Not while i was wearing the shoes, and they were knotted, and certainly not when the shoes were kept under my bed? Another case was ghost ants. Two or three times while i was living there, i would become aware that my room was filled with ants! This happened at least once while i was home, and upon noticing this, i would vacuum them all up and try to determine where they'd come from. While i guessed that they'd come from a crack beside a window frame, i never actually saw them exiting from it. Then i would dump all the vacuumed ants in the outside garbage can and afterwards, there would be No More Ants. Not Any. Until months later, when they would suddenly reappear.
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12: Haikus & Illustrations Hallowikus
The Creepy Spider
Plunk, Plunk, Plunk... Crawls slower with
Fewer spindly legs
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Without their noses
The dead don't seem to mind their
Neighbors body odor.
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In Heaven or Hell
Both have dogs that poop on lawns
Neither picks it up.
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Molasses like Goo
Creeps along your carpeting
Then Fills your Dry Socks
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An Old Pen is found
In Grandma’s Dusty Attic
Writes all by itself.
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My most Recent Dreams
Repeat a simple message
Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill.
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The Brand New Neighbors
Just Don't have normal garbage—
Dry, Empty blood bags.
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Our Normal House Pets
Sometimes; Switch to Nature Mode
And Chew off Faces.
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Big Grey Swimming Whales
Sometimes Come to walk on Land
Leave a Stinky mess.
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Acid Rain makes for—
Acid Snow that Stings in Balls
Takes some fun away.
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The Automobile
Simple, Friendly, Convenient
Likes to eat people!
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Neglected Monsters
Without names, unseen, unheard—
Are the real nightmares!
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The Big Rocks in Space
Floating forever ( Usually )
Sometimes fall on us.
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The Crazy Lady
That rides the bus on Tuesdays
Brought The Plague today.

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13: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story Are Secrets are the root of all evil?
Stories that will make your ...
• A teacher at our school told us that when he was a boy; Computer games were very primitive compared to the ones available today, but this one game that he'd bought at a garage sale was different from anything that he'd seen before, despite that it looked very old, being in a filthy box with cobwebs encrusted on it, The graphics were better than any game he'd played before. He played it often, and one night when his parents were out, and he was playing the game, one of the characters in it started acting oddly. It kept turning away from what it was supposed to be doing, and looking straight at him! This went on for several tiers of the game, and finally this distracted character suddenly looked at our teacher and then it's eyes shifted to just behind him, when my teacher instinctively looked behind himself, he saw a dark figure silhouetted in the window. The figure was outside, but it appeared to watching my teacher, so he called the police. Back then they didn't even have 911, so he had to look up the number in the phone book. During the call, He could hear scratching on the front door and rustling in the bushes. When the police finally arrived, they apprended a neighbor covered in blood, He'd been going from house to house, murdering everyone he found in their beds. When my teacher tried to play the game again, it appeared to be of a substantially diminished quality & then about a year later when he saw for the first time a picture of his great uncle that dabbled in alchemy, The black arts & Romanian baking, he recognized him as the distracted character in the game!
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14: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story Does everything have an opposite?
Stories that will make your ...
• A Séance is held with an Ancient Ouija Board with Characters in an Unknown Language; brings forth a dead creature that was pieced together with scraps of paper from several books, as a collage. And to this very day, it haunts & prowls through this girls neighborhood and has become known as The Disheveled EleWolfupine; Which wears the upper portion a Spiderman Costume, and No Pants, although it's genitals are indistinguishable as male or female. It is said to cause only mischief & is commonly blamed for unfinished homework, lost rollerskates, urine stained pants, scratched glasses & three pregnancies.
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15: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story How is Plurality reconciled with Solipsism?
Stories that will make your ...
• An Ugly Old Woman that bakes the most delicious cookies, made from the brains of stray cats. In my old neighborhood there was a shop that had been boarded up for the longest time, and then a Ugly Old Hunchbacked Woman opened it up and started a bakery. At first, the other children & i were afraid to visit it, but after were accompanied by our parents a few times, we got used to her appearance and then often visited it by ourselves. To this day, i can not think of cookies, brownies or fudge that was as good as those items that this old woman baked. At about this same time, at school we were hearing from some of the other students that their pets were disappearing. Cats & Dogs from our area were being abducted at an alarming rate. Soon everyone was keeping a careful eye on their pets and wouldn't let their cats out at night. Then one day when we went to visit the bakery, we discovered that it was all boarded up again, and thereafter; There were no further reports of missing pets. To this day; Whenever i hold a kitten or puppy close to my face, it seems to me that they smell like cookies.
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16: Title Submitted by: & Picture
Story How can we know if this reality is a screen saver?
Stories that will make your ...
• A Car is following yours in a reckless manner, and when you slow to let it pass, You see that it's driven by a Dog talking on a Cell Phone!
• Really Big Spiders with human faces, that drag your keys under the dresser
• My cousin that lives in New Mexico, told me of a friend of his that lived in a neighborhood where this occurred. A boy that lived down the street was taken to see a movie by his older sister, but during the film he needs to take a pee, so he goes alone to the rest room. When he opens the door, he sees that someone has vomited all over the floor next to the urinals, So he goes to use the girls bathroom. While taking a pee in the last stall, he hears his sister come in with one of her friends and they discuss how they are going to murder her brother later that night. After they leave, he sneaks back out and is sure that he sees his sister’s friend leaving the theatre. He then returns to his seat, and finds his sister, lovingly waiting for him. Later; After noticing that his sister is alone in her room, he murders her, But she screams, and is forced to murder his parents as well when they come to investigate. For good measure, he then kills the family’s pets, and goes across the alley to murder two addional children that he holds pety grudges against. When he is discovered by another child, he murder her, and their mother. As he returns to his own house, he comes across a group of teenagers that see that he is covered in blood, so he murders them as well— With surprising ease. The next day he is arrested, as he had left numerous careless clues as to who committed all the murders. But along with all the murders that he did commit, he is charged with the murder of a young boy that was mysteriously killed that same evening in his neighborhood.
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17: Haikus
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18: Neglected Monsters
• How to see an ethereal quixotic being: Set up a chair or sit on the floor on your bathroom so that you can see the mirror over the sink, but you can't see yourself. The room should be dark with only a tiny amount of light, preferably from a single candle that is behind you. It is also better if you have a radio on between stations, or a fan on that makes a low hissing noise. Then fixedly stare into the mirror as if it were a pool of black water. Within 15 minutes, you are sure to see specters coming out of the mirror!
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19: The History & Functionality of Hallow's Eve
Halloween in it's present form is far & tearful cry from the Halloween that existed 30 years ago.
It is suffering from the general blandification that is predominating Western Civilization in a manner exactly The Opposite of what was expected when the internet began connecting Billions of people to each other roughly 20 years ago. The actual mechanics of this are very complicated; But while any social artifact can be successfully connected & tied to The Cause & Effect of every other social artifact— The Problem of Halloween’s blandification attacks this analysis with renewed vigor.
Hopefully; It will survive in some unexpected form as all immortal things do. Sharks have remained unchanged for hundreds of millions of years, while humanimals have only been bipedal for a scant 4 million years. But really long lived things are reasonably expected to change a little over time, while retaining some deeply entrenched personal autonomy.
Halloween is undoubtedly the oldest annual holiday that western civilization observes. It is much older than Valentines Day, Easter, Thanksgiving, Washington's Birthday, Columbus Day or Christmas. A Specific Celebration of The Sacrilegious Undead has been around since before The Sumerians. The Recent; PreWesternized Japanese understood this in an clean & elegant way that we can understand, by paying respectful homage to the dead because they knew that the most dangerous ghosts were their recently deceased close relatives. This core idea has thoroughly documented in the oldest discovered cave paintings & forensic psychoanalytic interrogation of our most deeply buried dream imagery from The Jungian Collective Unconsciousness. The Dead & Their Cousins, Our Monstrous Nighttime Hallucinations of Our Own AntiSocial & Suicidal Frailties, Make up all the foundational questions & temporary solutions to every aspect of The Technological Superstructure of The Modern World. We are still asking the same questions & giving the same answers to them; As our filthy, proudly naked grandparents that huddled around dim fires while wild beasts snarled just outside their circle of light, all night long.
Halloween is here to stay for the foreseeable future.
So take heart in that while children are no long trundling from door to door, collecting candy & soaping windows; And we are seeing fewer & fewer people dressing up in elaborate homemade costumes, Halloween will resurrect itself in another cycle of feverish enthusiasm sometime soon.
We are just going through an odd phase of social identity confusion right now, And it may well be that what we need as a healthy social community is prolonged economic collapse to show what are real values are.
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20: A xxx Book
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Elements of a Spooky Story
Each story is three stories, has an additional horrific element, and a question from the cosmology.
• A Decapitated Head that mumbles incoherently
• Ghosts that are dressed in a Tuxedo Shirt & Tie, With Plaid Short Shorts
• A Telephone Ringing from within a Closed Box
• A young girl, that smells of old pee, that appears in your car's backseat & demands to be taken home, but she can't find it. You drive her around all night, and at day break, in exasperation, you drop her off in front of a 7-11. That evening on the news you see that that very 7-11 was destroyed by a huge gas explosion just minutes after you left her there.
• A drowned person that sits in your car, and that spot won't dry out
• A Popular Fast Food Restaurant is discovered to have a dumpster full of Dog Food Cans, But the Dog Food was made in Mexico and was made from the tampons & Q-Tips discarded by Catholic Nuns.
• A mysterious stranger on the bus claims to be Jesus Christ, and that a horrible disaster will soon befall the city you're living in, Naturally, you don't believe a word of it, but when you get home and clean out your lunch pail, you pour out your thermos of Lemonaid, you notice that it's been turned into Sparkling Cider, The calamity that Jesus Predicted will happen tomorrow!
• On a particular stretch of road, it is said that when you drive by with the radio playing a particular song, the steering wheel will be wrenched from your hands and your car will fly off an embankment, killing everyone on board. This story is so thoroughly believed by everyone in this community that the local municipality made it a crime to play this song on the radio. But one evening, a new disk jockey brought a box of his own records and played that song, And that very night, while the song was being played, a young girl & her boyfriend drove off the embankment and were both killed! But then it was discovered that the killed girl was the exwife of the disk jockey and the car was rigged to pull sharply toward the embankment when the car passed an infrared signal laser. The disk jockey was convicted of murder, and executed. and now whenever that song is played the disk jockey can be seen at the radio station scratching CD's with his bloody fingernails.
• A young girl takes a bet to sit on a particular grave for one hour, from 11:30 to 12:30 on the night that the corpse there was executed 50 years before. The dead man had killed his 16 maternal aunts at a family reunion. When her friends that are waiting for her to come out of the grave yard, hear screaming they run home and fitfully wait until morning before returning. They find the girl dead, covered with ant bites, but the ants nest can not be found!
• At a sleepover at my friends house, While his parents were out of town, we were watching a movie on TV that we'd both seen before, but liked a lot. Curiously; There were many parts of the film that we both agreed were different from the way we remembered it, but we couldn't even agree how it was different. Then at around Midnight the front door opened. and a family of midgets came in, it appeared that they'd spent the day at the beach and were just getting home. They were just as surprised to see us, as we were to see them. The midget day called the police, and when the police arrived, we noticed that the spelling of the name of the town on the side of their car was incorrect. My friend noticed this too, but thought that the correct spelling was different from my recollection of it. The police arrested us for trespassing and we were sent to juvenile detention. Two days later, his parents came and got us out, and the paper work for why we were arrested to begin with, had disappeared. My own parents wasn't even aware that i was missing, They were apparently high on drugs the whole weekend!
• When we moved into this house when i was just starting the 4th grade, the neighbors told us that our house was haunted, and they all provided many stories of how the ghost would manifest itself. It was also said to be responsible for many accidents in the neighborhood and a fire that killed a immigrant family of 16. For several months we would attribute odd events & lost objects to the ghost, but there was never a definitive event that we would have claimed to have been caused by the restless remains of the dead until Columbus Day. That night, my sister saw the face of a filthy hobo in the bathroom mirror. When she turned around, no one was there. Later that night; my mother went into labor and was rushed to the hospital. When my sister saw the baby for the first time, she blurted out; “Oh my gawd! It’s the filthy hobo!” Since then, no one in the neighborhood has reported any more hauntings.
• I had a very quirky childhood. For one thing, i refused to go anywhere near a basketball. This is why. One night; when i was 7, i awoke after everyone in the house was asleep, i could hear & see someone moving in the moonlight of my room. I was too terrified to move and just watched the figure come near my bed and drop something with a loud thud beside my bed, Then the figure left toward the door, but vanished before opening it. When i looked over the edge of my bed, i saw a decapitated head! When my parents came to investigate my screams, it was revealed that the head was just my basketball. The next day, i threw it away and never went near one again. Many years later, as an adult, I was involved in an horrific automobile wreck caused by a drunken hobo talking on a cell phone. When the firemen extracted me from the wreck, one noted that by the placement of the debris, i should have been decapitated! And then i noticed on the hood of my car, where my head should have landed, was a basketball!
• In my old neighborhood, there was a boy that went to The Catholic School and was convinced that masturbation lead to the creation of millions of tiny ghosts, split down the middle, that would haunt the person that created them. Of course the rest of us jerked off several times a day and one afternoon, while we were peeking through the window of well endowed neighbor lady, he succumbed to temptation and followed our instructions. Two days later we learned that he had died in his sleep, apparently of terror, having been covered with tiny bite marks all over his body. No explanation for the marks was ever established.

• Last year; we got a new student in mid year. He'd moved from his old neighborhood after a witch had moved in at the corner house. Soon after, children began to disappear, but their parents weren't reporting them missing. The remaining children confronted their parents that something horrible was going on, but they didn't even remember the children that had disappeared. When they went to the houses of the missing children, their parents claimed that the missing child had never lived there. The bravest child in the neighborhood went to investigate the witches house, and after dark, peeked through her windows. What he saw was never revealed, but his parents were so alarmed by the change in his behaviour that they moved away to our town.
• My cousin's best friend once ran away from home and was gone for 2 weeks before returning, but not with humility, but believing that he was the chosen one, meant for greater wonders when the time was right. What had happened during his absence was not revealed to many, but my cousin was one of the few that the run away confided in. On the 3rd night that he was gone, He found shelter in an old building that by no means of examination would one ever know that it was once a Catholic Church. In it's present state, it was but bare burnt walls and the great stainglass windows that it once held up, were now shattered and hidden in the debris that covered the ground surrounding the ruins. The run away found a spot that was covered sufficiently to keep out a light rain, and he covered himself with an old blanket he'd brought with him. When the moon was at it's highest point, he was suddenly awoken by the screams of wild children running amoung the ruins. They were all completely naked and filth covered every part of their bodies. So startled by this activity, the run away pressed himself deeper into the shadows and after listening for several minutes, was able to discern that the children were badly singing a hymn to the devil. / Upon this ground that we have burnt / The knowledge of ancients we have learnt / We now are empowered with strength & cunning / And we serve all those with feet a running / Standing high above the earth of soil / We are endlessly making ends with sourful toil / Praise be to our lord. The wondrous & Foul / The Magnificent, Unspeakable Sovereign Bowel. / Then the children all began peeing on one another, for an unimaginable length of time, until all the filth was washed off. They then put on clean clothes and ran from this place of defilement. The next day; He walked the streets of the nearby town. It was a very small community and everyone he saw was very sad. While fishing through a garbage can looking for something to eat, a woman found him and took him home with her. She made him a baloney sandwich and cried the entire time he was eating it. The run away begged her to tell him what was the matter, but she wouldn't give him any hint as to what was the matter. He stayed with her all day, helping her clean up her neglected garden and when it began to get dark, she made a place for him under the dinning room table to sleep. Although she had said nearly nothing all day, she now became very serious and warned him; “No matter what happens during the night, Do not go outside, Don't even look out the windows!” Naturally; The run away nodded & tried to stay awake to see wheat would happen, but he quickly fell asleep, but sat bolt upright when the chanting outside started. He recognized the sounds as the children singing and quickly went to a window to peer out. In the Street, he could see huge demons, completely naked, covered in filth, dragging people by their feet and bashing them with sticks. He quickly ran to the woman's bedroom and found the door open, she was gone! Upon returning to the window, he spotted her as one of the helpless victims. - - - -
• The Religious Right, Fundamental Christians and such all know that men are naturally gay. Unless men are forced to marry women, they would much rather marry only other men.
• Large Breasted, Blonds with small pointy noses are actually the most miserable people, but the blond hair gene, large breasted gene & small pointy noses gene are right next the gene that make people believe that they are happy irregardless of how unhappy they really are.
• Urinals were invented by gays so they could see each other's penis'. It was straight men with small penis' that invented pants, so that they could pretend that they had large penis'.
• Trailer Park Fad; Underwear made from inexpensive cat fur.
• MonoSavant with 17 fingers can play the piano with such complexity that anyone that listens to him play, will go insane. Curiously this insanity effect doesn't work if you listen to a recording of him playing, you have to listen and see him playing for the full effect.
• An Ambulance attendant is discovered to have had sexual intercourse with a very famous dead woman on the way to the hospital, but once she is admitted, she is revived. But the attendant is only charged with the misdemeanor Necrophilia and pays a fine of $5.00. There after several other ambulance attendants rape the women on their way to the hospital, claiming that they were dead at the time. New legislature is enacted to deal with this pseudobogus faux necrophilia outbreak, but then PETA interprets these new laws to assert that eating dead cows is a violation of these new necrophilia laws. So they are rewritten to apply only to people. But then it's argued that dead people aren't people. So as it is now; It's illegal to masturbate with a plastic vagina appliance.
• Many Hollywood films, especially westerns, were made with real bullets and hobos that were shot & killed, because the early directors couldn't wrap their heads around the idea that film could in theory, record things that weren't actually true.
• A Cryogenic company is found to have committed egregious fraud over many years, having not properly frozen any of the people that were entrusted to their care. Investigators find that nearly all the people were rotting in their stainless steel chambers, which were often made from cardboard with blinking lights. In the process of disposing of all these bodies, they find an early experimental frozen head which is still in a viable jar of liquid hydrogen. But there's no money to store it any longer, so it's turned over to a local university, where it is thawed out and amazingly revived. A Blood supply is arranged to circulate through the brain and an air pump is attached to his intact vocal cords. When the head regains consciousness, it begins to relate the previous 30 years while he was dead. Apparently he'd spent those 30 years in Hell and it is much worse than anyone ever imagined. Plus; Absolutely everyone goes to hell. From what he gathered while there, no one on Earth was ever even close to being allowed into the kingdom of gawd.
• A recent study of Near Death Experiencers report that purgatory is filling up at a dangerous exponential rate with aborted fetuses. There has always been a special purgatory for half babies that result from menstruating and masturbation, but this new surge in aborted fetuses is completely overwhelming the angels that are supposed to be servicing this region of the dead.
• Packing Peanuts.
• Woman that murders her husband confesses to a bus ticket clerk thinking that he was a Catholic Priest. Since this evidence is overturned as an honest mistake, all the subsequent evidence that is collected is excluded too, and she gets off scot free.
• A boys eye is knocked out during a baseball game, and a very odd coincidental accident across town causes the two eyes to get mixed up at the hospital, so that each receives the other's eye. While they don't actually obtain the ability to see things that the other has seen, or even interpret visual phenomena as the other's brain sees things, but they are each confused by seeing things that the other has spent a life time acclimating themselves to what is real, So that they are now able to see what they're brain thinks is real, and what the new eye allows to be real.
• Police are no longer using animal psychics to provide evidence in court when they have witnessed their masters committing crimes when it's finally determined that the animals are very unreliable.
• Shadow Psychics are able to talk to people's shadows. They are particularly annoying when it is close to sunset and your shadow is cast far from where you are standing. The shadow psychic is able to quickly establish a trusting rapport with your shadow and convince it to reveal your most embarrassing or incriminating secrets.
• New shaving cream dissolves the skin off the users face.
• A group of children convince a new girl to undress for them, and discover that she was sewn together from the parts of dozens of corpses.
• Mysterious disease with a very, very, very long incubation period is shown to be 100% fatal, and as contagious as a common cold. This disease had apparently mutated from a comparatively harmless cat disease in 1973, and then spread throughout the world in just a few months so that it is now estimated that everyone on the earth will suddenly develop symptoms and be dead within 4 months in 2009.
• A wig made from the hair of murdered children causes a cancer patient to seek out and murder the collector of this hair.
• most Kitchen Appliances are revealed to have originated as sex toys.
• hand shakes are found to kill more people every year than deliberate crimes involving hand guns.
• When AI & accessible robots spill out of the bag.
• There is a game that the children play in Africa & India & thereabouts. The Adults never play it, and they forbid the children from playing it, but they do anyway. The game consists of several sticks that are carved in a very special way so that you can tell which end is Uipi & which end is Dhowa. Each stick also has Six more sides, each is easily identified by the kind of snake along it. Each game set has different snakes, and each snake in any given set has it's own name. To mispronounce the name brings a curse on the family, so that no one plays the game until they are sure they know the names of the snakes. Many children only watch and never play. The game also includes several stones that are rubbed & ground to a particular shape. Each stone has a name, but the names of the stones are always the same. They are; Yi, Qiopatich, Vigh, Sumi, Ee, Paxibu, Nanau, Gylisse, Jofaw & Nate. There is also a game board which has many holes, cups, markings, insets which sometimes hold drawers, which hold more game pieces that are particular to that game board. Everyone that plays the game has their own rules, but there is a general overview of the game that is consistent wherever it is played. The object is to keep playing. No one ever wins, or loses. The sticks are arranged, the stones rolled across the board and this continues for many hours. When it is time to go to bed; Someone is chosen to take the game pieces home with them. This person; It is widely believed, Can come to no harm while the game is their possession, But their family members are in greater peril. Anything good or bad that happens in these places where the game is played, is attributed to the game. Some say that the game has come to Western Countries, But the shape & names of the pieces have changed. But the rules & beliefs are the same. The name that Westerns call this game is Money.
• It is a well established belief in many parts of the world that shadows are something like a guardian angel, a disembodied soul that is sometimes your sister, wife, child, goldfish, car, wristwatch, fire-alarm, best shoes, or your shadow in one incarnation or another. In some places where they strongly believe these things, a person's shadow may sometimes rise up from a surface and become a solid thing, not always resembling the person who they serve as a shadow, or even as anything human or life like, But as something that resembles nothing of this world. When the shadow comes up like this; It may be to give their master a hug or make love to them, or sneak away to cause unimaginable mischief in the village. When they do this, it is not because they're expressive a daemonic evil, but because, as disincarnated spirits, they simply have no sense of right & wrong, good or evil, fortune or misery; To them; All circumstances are nearly equally amusing or benign, curious or mundane. But the villagers who suffer the consequences of these misadventures, feel all to brusquely, the consequences of their idle play, and anyone that they see without their shadow is often taken outside the gates of their hamlet and stoned to death, or made to eat fistfuls of pebbles and thrown in a swift river. This is what separates the primitive preliterate, preindustrialized societies from western civilization; It's that one attributes all circumstances & events to unseen, but knowable influences, while the other attributes all circumstance & events to unknowable, but easily foreseen influences. In both cases; try as they might, they are unable to control these mischievious, amoral, chaotic sprites, and so they stone people to death that seem to attract or emit them.
•

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Samhain Horrors
Thirteen Modern Horrors that were unknown to our naive & innocent forbearers...
Change format to short short Stories that Will Make Your Skin Crawl!
Stories that Will Make Your Toes Pop!
Stories that Will Make Your Finest Hairs Burst into a Dark Electrical Conflagration
Stories that Will Make Your Fingers Twirl Backwards
Stories that Will Cause Your Eyes to Turn InsideOut
Stories that Will Spawn A Plethora of Dusty Bunnies that Fill Your Ears
Stories that Will Flip Your Head Off & Into The Toilet
Stories that Will Turn All Your Spoons into Forks
Stories that Will Fold Your Napkins
Stories that Will Scribble On Your Soul
Stories that Will Make Your Cornflakes Gay
Stories that Will Make You Want to Become Islamic
Stories that Will Cause Your Shoelaces to Tangle
Stories that Will Make All Your MP3s Sound Scratchy
Stories that Will Turn Blue to Orange
Stories that Will Turn Your Lollipops to Lutefish


Will Outline/Filled Illustrtations
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Every Great Step Forward, That has made Grandiose Promises for A New Utopian Paradise,
Has Ultimately been Turned Over and Used to Enslave & Blandify The Damp Masses into Even More Docile Sheep for The Aristocratic Illite to Enslave & Harvest at Their Leisure.
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Unexpected Surprises from Emergent Complexity. What comes after Chaos Theory.
Order / Complexity / High Complexity / Chaos / Emergent Complexity / Emergent Chaotic Structures / Fuzzy Randomality / Randomality
Might this be the key to understanding consciousness & making our own AI
• Problems Classes of Problems / p = polynomial time solution / p refers to the amount of time that it takes to solve a given problem on an electronic or digital computer— Or any artificial thinking machine. It's been suggested that electrochemical brains think in a different kind of way, and are somehow ( as yet, undefined ) able to transcend metalogical steps to find solutions in a decidedly nonlinear manner.
i. p Computers can Easily Solve in a Finite Amount of Time
ii. bqp BoundedError : Quantum Computer Problem
Requires a large, but finite number of steps to solve
Very Hard p Problems, while Easy np Problems
iii. np Computers have trouble solving; But can be Easily Checked
iv. np complete Computers have trouble knowing if they've Solved It or Not
v. remaining p space Stupendous or ∞ number of steps to solve; Unable to verify
vi. outside p space Ill defined problems

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The morality of the newer artificial reality games
Although the next 2 or 3 generations of games will still be populated with characters that aren't really conscious, it may be important to begin considering how moral or ethical it is to murder these simulicons that are, by all manner of measurement, indistinguishable from genuinely conscious beings. Even if we allow that they can get up, just as a person shot with a pop gun can be resurrected, the graphic details of their murder make this comparison somewhat disingenuous...? And the resuscitated, it may be argued, are duplicates of the original template or a duplicate made from the last save version of the murdered simulicon, and that the exterminated data set, is in fact, gone from this continuum of experiences. Would it be acceptable to murder people if the murdered was able to store a complete copy of themselves every morning, and upon their murder, the wife could simply print out another husband?

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Computers
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Rocket Science
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Robotics
The great promise of robotics is dependent that they remain our Acquiescent Servants or Tireless Minions,
But maybe that will be their greatest threat.
Imagine a world filled with obedient robots that do anything we tell them to. Anything that anyone tells them to.
There is a fine edge here where we want them to obey good orders, and disregard bad orders.
Of all the kinds of good orders that they may follow, there are countless other categories of bad orders, not simply the ones that have unintended consequences, but the ones that are given by bad, confused, mischievous, dumb, clinically insane, disorganized Operators—
Or perhaps the worst case scenario; genuinely good people, with good intentions.
These robots are then expected to have some kind of ethical foundation that will regulate all these limitless possibilities for undesired consequences, and yet they'd be constrained by our own inability to predict or foresee the future. So that when robots become a common utilitarian service appliance, they will have all the abilities for mischief as people, with 200 times the strength & an internal control system that will have a very quirky incremental sense of To Do, or Not To Do.
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AI
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The Interweb / It was first believed that the internet would provide everyone with a fantastic new uncontrollable tool that would give everyone on the planet the genuine freedom of thought & the ability to exchange radical & heretical ideas without anyone being able to oversee or suppress us. / But it now turns out that The Interweb is actually showing itself to be a powerful new tool for manipulating the thoughts & beliefs of people in a way that picks up where Television left off. If you'd become aware during the age of television that it was hypnotizing the damp masses and making them dumber than any previous generation, while filling their heads with vast repositories of uncorollated facts, then the internet has given these same social architects a new tool that makes their wildest dreams of stupidification of the damp masses even easier & inescapable.
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Fragile Memory Syndrome
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The Electromagnetic Spectrum
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Institutionalized Dumbification
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Institutionalized Blandification
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GUTs
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Testing Reality / We may be philosophically at the point where we can start asking intelligible questions about some of our most elementary inquiries. It may be that we will soon be able to devise tests to determine how real our reality really is, and the answers may not be as comforting as we'd like.
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AntiBacterial Resistant Diseases
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Cloning / ESP Our brains may not be able to deal with multiple copies of an individual that share a single mind. Natureal Twins escape this to some degree by actually being subtly different, But artificial clones will be virtually identical.
doppelgängers : What if, as a result of the world becoming so thoroughly populated, that the number of unique & autonomous brain frequencies was being exhausted. Such that in various parts of the world, at any given moment, everyone shared a mental broadcasting channel with a number of other people & animals? Might this seriously impede upon any of these individuals; thinking clearly?
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Communicating with Dolphins / Ants / Cows / Monkeys
It's not so much that talking to dolphins will reveal any new technologies, or secrets of how to get along in a complex social infrastructure, but the very idea that animals other than humans can hold coherent thoughts and see the world differently than we do. It's been long argued that each individual person sees the world differently than the next humanimal, but to discover that ants see & think about the world in a way that we can now begin to grasp at... Will completely change the way we consider absolute truths.
All our most fundamental axioms and elemental truths will become suspect, and even more so, the search for the truly assumptionless foundation of thinking will begin in earnest.
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New Innovative inventions replace ancient staples, such as pencils, chairs, spoons & forks.
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MiniBlackHoles
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NonBiodegradable Plastics filling the oceans, being eaten by fish, Then humans.
Inert Filling
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Force Bifurcation
One of our familiar forces breaks apart into two or more new forces, in the same way that the precursor to ElectroMagnetism, The Strong & Weak Forces broke apart.
When this occurs, All matter will change into something else, and all the physical constants will shift to new values.
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Gamma Ray Bursts
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The Secret, Unknowable Agenda that Drives The Tantrum of Mystical Three Eyed Hamsters
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August 8, 2007, 11:35 am
If You Were a Terrorist, How Would You Attack?

By Steven D. Levitt

The TSA recently announced that most airplane carry-on restrictions will stay in place for at least another year, until new X-ray technology has been fully installed. Surprisingly, one item that will now be permitted on board is a lighter. While it seems crazy to keep people from bringing toothpaste, deodorant, or water on a plane, it doesn’t seem so strange to ban lighters, which could be used to start fires. I wonder whether the lighter manufacturers were lobbying for or against this rule change — on the one hand, having 22,000 lighters confiscated per day would seem good for business; but on the other hand, maybe fewer people will buy lighters if they can’t travel with them.

Hearing about these rules got me thinking about what I would do to maximize terror if I were a terrorist with limited resources. I’d start by thinking about what really inspires fear. One thing that scares people is the thought that they could be a victim of an attack. With that in mind, I’d want to do something that everybody thinks might be directed at them, even if the individual probability of harm is very low. Humans tend to overestimate small probabilities, so the fear generated by an act of terrorism is greatly disproportionate to the actual risk.

Also, I’d want to create the feeling that an army of terrorists exists, which I’d accomplish by pulling off multiple attacks at once, and then following them up with more shortly thereafter.

Third, unless terrorists always insist on suicide missions (which I can’t imagine they would), it would be optimal to hatch a plan in which your terrorists aren’t killed or caught in the act, if possible.

Fourth, I think it makes sense to try to stop commerce, since a commerce breakdown gives people more free time to think about how scared they are.

Fifth, if you really want to impose pain on the U.S., the act has to be something that prompts the government to pass a bundle of very costly laws that stay in place long after they have served their purpose (assuming they had a purpose in the first place).

My general view of the world is that simpler is better. My guess is that this thinking applies to terrorism as well. In that spirit, the best terrorist plan I have heard is one that my father thought up after the D.C. snipers created havoc in 2002. The basic idea is to arm 20 terrorists with rifles and cars, and arrange to have them begin shooting randomly at pre-set times all across the country. Big cities, little cities, suburbs, etc. Have them move around a lot. No one will know when and where the next attack will be. The chaos would be unbelievable, especially considering how few resources it would require of the terrorists. It would also be extremely hard to catch these guys. The damage wouldn’t be as extreme as detonating a nuclear bomb in New York City, of course; but it sure would be a lot easier to obtain a handful of guns than a nuclear weapon.

I’m sure many readers have far better ideas. I would love to hear them. Consider that posting them could be a form of public service: I presume that a lot more folks who oppose and fight terror read this blog than actual terrorists. So by getting these ideas out in the open, it gives terror fighters a chance to consider and plan for these scenarios before they occur.
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Well Known Stories, Long or Short, are turned into Fireside Horror Stories.
The Story of Harry Potter
It's been recently suggested ( via Kelly Link ) that magick is, by any interpretation, by any application of it's proposed facilities; Entirely useless. Let us imagine a world in which there was a secretive subculture & extended reality with their own zoological habitats, that consisted of beings with magickal attributes. How would the world be different from the one we are familiar with? Would there still be disease? War? Poverty? Would these beings be enlightened? Would they choose to help muggles? And why don't they use Electricity?
Bible Stories
Most Bible stories are already pretty horrific, so for this project to be mischievously meaningful, you'd have to use the few benign stories or parables.
Paul Bunyan
Johnny Tremain
Frankenstein
The Declaration of Independence

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All The Stories Centered by Lines and Form a Particular, Deliberate Shape.
Square, Rectangle, Oval, Circle, Wavy, Diamond, Hourglass...?
Each line must be complete, In thought or punctuation.
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Have you Lost your Soul?
Quiz and Analysis of how our souls may not exist. ( Are we Robots that Suffer? ) That would pretty much synch it up that this is either purgatory, hell or a penal colony for transdimensional beings one floor up.
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Picture Elements
Spider Webs
Odd Colours
Maggots
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Things Not to Worry About
• 1. Killer hot dogs. What is it about frankfurters? There was the nitrite scare. Then the grilling-creates-carcinogens alarm. And then, when those menaces ebbed, the weenie warriors fell back on that old reliable villain: saturated fat. / But now even saturated fat isn’t looking so bad, thanks to a rigorous experiment in Israel reported this month. The people on a low-carb, unrestricted-calorie diet consumed more saturated fat than another group forced to cut back on both fat and calories, but those fatophiles lost more weight and ended up with a better cholesterol profile. And this was just the latest in a series of studies contradicting the medical establishment’s predictions about saturated fat. / If you must worry, focus on the carbs in the bun. But when it comes to the fatty frank — or the fatty anything else on vacation — I’d relax.
• 2. Your car’s planet-destroying A/C. No matter how guilty you feel about your carbon footprint, you don’t have to swelter on the highway to the beach. After doing tests at 65 miles per hour, the mileage experts at edmunds.com report that the aerodynamic drag from opening the windows cancels out any fuel savings from turning off the air-conditioner.
• 3. Forbidden fruits from afar. Do you dare to eat a kiwi? Sure, because more “food miles” do not equal more greenhouse emissions. Food from other countries is often produced and shipped much more efficiently than domestic food, particularly if the local producers are hauling their wares around in small trucks. One study showed that apples shipped from New Zealand to Britain had a smaller carbon footprint than apples grown and sold in Britain.
• 4. Carcinogenic cellphones. Some prominent brain surgeons made news on Larry King’s show this year with their fears of cellphones, thereby establishing once and for all that epidemiology is not brain surgery — it’s more complicated. / As my colleague Tara Parker-Pope has noted, there is no known biological mechanism for the phones’ non-ionizing radiation to cause cancer, and epidemiological studies have failed to find consistent links between cancer and cellphones. / It’s always possible today’s worried doctors will be vindicated, but I’d bet they’ll be remembered more like the promoters of the old cancer-from-power-lines menace — or like James Thurber’s grandmother, who covered up her wall outlets to stop electricity from leaking. / Driving while talking on a phone is a definite risk, but you’re better off worrying about other cars rather than cancer.
• 5. Evil plastic bags. Take it from the Environmental Protection Agency : paper bags are not better for the environment than plastic bags. If anything, the evidence from life-cycle analyses favors plastic bags. They require much less energy — and greenhouse emissions — to manufacture, ship and recycle. They generate less air and water pollution. And they take up much less space in landfills.
• 6. Toxic plastic bottles. For years panels of experts repeatedly approved the use of bisphenol-a, or BPA, which is used in polycarbonate bottles and many other plastic products. Yes, it could be harmful if given in huge doses to rodents, but so can the natural chemicals in countless foods we eat every day. Dose makes the poison. / But this year, after a campaign by a few researchers and activists, one federal panel expressed some concern about BPA in baby bottles. Panic ensued. Even though there was zero evidence of harm to humans, Wal-Mart pulled BPA-containing products from its shelves, and politicians began talking about BPA bans. Some experts fear product recalls that could make this the most expensive health scare in history. / Nalgene has already announced that it will take BPA out of its wonderfully sturdy water bottles. Given the publicity, the company probably had no choice. But my old blue-capped Nalgene bottle, the one with BPA that survived glaciers, jungles and deserts, is still sitting right next to me, filled with drinking water. If they ever try recalling it, they’ll have to pry it from my cold dead fingers.
• 7. Deadly sharks. Throughout the world last year, there was a grand total of one fatal shark attack (in the South Pacific), according to the International Shark Attack File at the University of Florida.
• 8. The Arctic’s missing ice. The meltdown in the Arctic last summer was bad enough, but this spring there was worse news. A majority of experts expected even more melting this year, and some scientists created a media sensation by predicting that even the North Pole would be ice-free by the end of summer. / So far, though, there’s more ice than at this time last summer, and most experts are no longer expecting a new record. You can still fret about long-term trends in the Arctic, but you can set aside one worry: This summer it looks as if Santa can still have his drinks on the rocks.
• 9. The universe’s missing mass. Even if the fate of the universe — steady expansion or cataclysmic collapse — depends on the amount of dark matter that is out there somewhere, you can rest assured that no one blames you for losing it. And most experts doubt this collapse will occur during your vacation.
• 10. Unmarked wormholes. Could your vacation be interrupted by a sudden plunge into a wormhole? From my limited analysis of space-time theory and the movie “Jumper,” I would have to say that the possibility cannot be eliminated. I would also concede that if the wormhole led to an alternate universe, there’s a good chance your luggage would be lost in transit. / But I still wouldn’t worry about it, In an alternate universe, you might not have to spend the rest of the year fretting about either dark matter or sickly rodents. You might even be able to buy one of those Nalgene bottles.

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13 New Things To Be Afraid Of!
by Thornton Papadopoulos on November 04, 2005
Our parents feared the Son of Sam, our grandparents survived the Great Depression, and our great grandparents fled from Napoleon and Alexander the Great, or whatever. But so far, aside from the usual things like spiders, alligators, sharks, the dark, clowns, the Oxygen Network, graduate school, AIM viruses, and great comedians dying, our generation has had little to be afraid of. So in the spirit of both Halloween and wanting other people to share in my daily anxieties, here are 13 things that you can officially be afraid of.

1. Homeless people who want to shake your hand
Just when you thought giving away money was the worst thing homeless people could ask of you, they come up with this. Once in a while, if a homeless guy's really nice or has some special skill like juggling syringes in the rain, I'll throw a few cents his way. But I'm not, under any circumstances, going to shake his hand. So for all the homeless people reading this, please know that it's not anything against you personally. I'm just being safe and playing the odds that you have some horrific contagious disease.

2. Fourteen foot Burmese pythons
I don't know if this news is reaching a national audience or not, but in the span of two weeks in Miami, three enormous Burmese pythons have been found or captured. The first one tried to swallow an entire alligator and exploded halfway through. Scientists predict that this is also how Rush Limbaugh will die. The second one was captured alive in someone's backyard after eating an old lady's outdoor cat, which was really a dick move no matter who you ask. The latest python was also captured alive, this time in a fish pond, and, under Florida's strict trespassing laws, it will be released immediately under my bed.

3. Billy Joel's driving
He knows that it's him we've been coming to see, to file personal injury lawsuits for a while.

4. Saw II
All I know about this is that the middle sister from "7th Heaven" is going to die some horrible death. So maybe file this one under "Thirteen New Things That Should Have Happened Years Ago." Ruthie, you're next. In the mean time, wear looser clothes and stop making me feel uncomfortable.

5. Death by Segway collision
Our parents certainly didn't have to worry about this, because Segways were illegal back then. But now, assuming that you live either on the property of a major computer programming company or inside an actual Segway dealership, you just can't seem to get away from the things. And even though they've become so advanced that you don't even have to buy one in order to not use it, they're still dangerous for pedestrians. A couple ways to avoid this are to always have a pistol filled with riot-control rubber bullets handy, or to simply move to an area without any Segways, such as every place on earth besides Silicon Valley.

6. Jennifer Aniston's sequel to The Graduate
Now that Willy Wonka has been remade, not to mention every Japanese horror film outside of Sony's corporate videos, Hollywood feels the need to ruin another classic. When I think about classics, I picture The Graduate. And when I think about The Graduate, I picture Jennifer Aniston. Of course, I also picture Aniston when I think about lunch, bumblebees, gorillas, and pretty much anything. She's just that hot. But there's no reason that this upcoming film Rumor Has It needs to exist. I'm not going to get into details on the plot here, but there is one thing I'll say: plastics.

7. Gene Wilder dying
I worry about Gene Wilder dying more often than I worry about elderly members of my own family. Maybe it's the result of some kind of denial I'm harboring about the mortality of people close to me, or maybe it's the fact that he was Willy Wonka and Leo Bloom and Dr. Frankenstein, while all they did was raise me. Meanwhile, right now I'm coasting lazily through college and sleeping 14 hours a day, but Blazing Saddles is still awesome.

8. Andy Kaufman really being dead
Kaufman actually died on the day I was born, and so at a young age I was taken to a boarding house for children who could have been possessing his reborn soul. You might remember this from the process used to determine the new Dalai Lama, or, much more likely since you're stupid, from the scene in The Oracle's apartment in The Matrix. Turns out, I'm not Kaufman, and no one is. We thought maybe he'd come back on the 20th anniversary of his death in 2004, but it looks like he might have actually died. Or maybe he really did fake it, then just got so hammered the night before the anniversary that he decided to wait for the 25th instead. It'd be a nice 25th birthday present, but I'll be honest. I'd rather just get cash.

9. The satellite going out during the closing seconds of the USC-Notre Dame game even though you didn't buy books this semester so you could afford DirecTV's College GamePlan package, which you thought might get you an in with girls who like obscure Division I-AA football teams that can only be watched at your house, but which pretty much just shows the same stuff that ABC and ESPN do.
So USC won, right? Good ending?

10. NASA
If they're not dropping flaming metal objects on your house like in the end of Donnie Darko, they're wasting your tax money on things like science, exploration, and the search for meaning to human existence. This is tax money that could be used to make sure more hybrid SUV owners receive government stipends for helping the environment. A Chevrolet Silverado Hybrid gets 17 miles per gallon, almost half as much as a fairly economic, non-hybrid regular car. Who cares about NASA? The guy whose wife made him get the hybrid because Oprah said to needs the money more than we need to find aliens or cure diseases, or whatever the hell they do in space.

11. The robots from I, Robot (except the good robot with the British accent)
Robots are unavoidable, like death and the phrase "I'm not gonna lie." They're coming, and when they get here, they'll be really pissed at Will Smith. The downside of robots is that they can charm their way into your homes and then kill you in your sleep with their laser eyes. The upside is that they can carry stuff for you. We'll see.

12. Global warming
After seeing The Day After Tomorrow and March of the Penguins, everyone's afraid of global warming. President Bush even granted it honorary evil-doer status, and it's currently considered the number two man in Al Qaeda, tied with every other operative we've captured in the past four years. But the way I see it is that our parents didn't care enough about us to stop smoking pot and listening to Neil Young while they were our age, so why should we care enough about our future children to stop throwing Styrofoam boxes full of veal leftovers out of our moving Hummers while we're masturbating to the sound of Amanda Bynes' voice in What a Girl Wants, which is playing on the backseat headrest monitors since we don't know how to stop it because we stole this car from an abortion clinic? Global warming will go away, and if it doesn't, we can always build that anti-ozone dome over the earth from Highlander II: The Quickening.

13. Learning to pay your own taxes
The first time I had to practice filling out a tax form was in 12th grade economics class, and I ended up stapling a bunch of $7 travel reimbursement internship checks to a can of WD-40. I got a C and was told that in real life, the IRS would have required the checks to be facing outward, and would prefer Scotch tape over staples. The bottom line is that paperwork is complicated, and so is remembering all the crap you bought while drunk at flea markets over the course of a whole year. The best way to avoid paying taxes is to not have a job, a family, or a home. Just don't ask me to shake your hand.
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The Creepy Spider
Plunk, Plunk, Plunk... Crawls slower with
Fewer spindly legs
- - -
Without their noses
The dead don't seem to mind their
Neighbors body odor.
- - -
In Heaven or Hell
Both have dogs that poop on lawns
Neither picks it up.
- - -
Molasses like Goo
Creeps along your carpeting
Then Fills your Dry Socks
- - -
An Old Pen is found
In Grandma’s Dusty Attic
Writes all by itself.
- - -
My most Recent Dreams
Repeat a simple message
Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill.
- - -
The Brand New Neighbors
Just Don't have normal garbage—
Dry, Empty blood bags.
- - -
Our Normal House Pets
Sometimes; Switch to Nature Mode
And Chew off Faces.
- - -
Big Grey Swimming Whales
Sometimes Come to walk on Land
Leave a Stinky mess.
- - -
Acid Rain makes for—
Acid Snow that Stings in Balls
Takes some fun away.
- - -
The Automobile
Simple, Friendly, Convenient
Likes to eat people!
- - -
Neglected Monsters
Without names, unseen, unheard—
Are the real nightmares!
- - -
The Big Rocks in Space
Floating forever ( Usually )
Sometimes fall on us.
- - -
The Crazy Lady
That rides the bus on Tuesdays
Brought The Plague today.

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The Hearse Song

Don't you ever laugh as the hearse goes by,
For you may be the next to die.
They'll wrap you up in a big white sheet,
From your head, down to your feet.
They put you in a big black box,
And cover you up with dirt & rocks.
All goes well for about a week,
Then your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
The worms play pinochle on your snout.
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
A big green worm with rolling eyes,
Crawls in your stomach & out your eyes.
Your stomach turns a slimy green,
And pus pours out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread—
And that’s what you eat; When you are Dead!

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More Horrors
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