Wiener's Marriage

Thursday, July 25, 2013 8:16:56 AM

Helium Balloon Marriages

As A Contrarian; i love nothing more than taking an heretical position when everyone else on The Planet is in agreement about some issue.

The Issue this week is “Why is Mrs. Wiener sticking beside Mr. Wiener, While Mr. Wiener has Matrimonorially Betrayed Mrs. Wiener, Again & Again?”

If i were Mrs. Wiener & was standing before a large crowd of reporters & Heckling Rabble Rousers, i would say this :

I can only assume, ( Mrs. Wiener would begin ), that each of Your Marriages is very shallow, empty or hollow like a helium balloon. The Marriage that i share with my husband; Mr. Wiener, is like a Potato, Pumpkin or Baseball, Hard & Solid all The way through to The Center. If any of you were to come over to an Evening Dinner at our house, & try picking up our Marriage, It would be too heavy for any of you to lift. It’s like a Bowling ball bolted to The Floor. If you were to try & pry it open, you’d only find layers & layers of more Marriage below The Surface, Each Harder & More Fibrous than The One that Preceded it.

I can only presume from your questions & accusations; That your understanding of what a Marriage consists of, Infers that if I were to Open your Marriages, they would only be an empty space beneath The Delicate Membrane that keeps only The feeblest flies out from wriggling in your lunch sack of a marriage & feasting on The Runny Magnolia Crap that you take for The Substance of your Social Amalgamation.

While many of you are willing & eager to get a divorce after The Slightest Provocation; Such as your spouse’s languid enthusiasm for taking out The Trash or Dusting The Book Shelves; You may have considered that The Hallowed Oaths that you took during your marriage ceremony to have been laughable anachronisms or flamboyant liturgical nonsense with The substance of a bowl of watered down tapioca pudding— But some people take these Sacraments to be some deeply Eloquent & Rudimentary Bedrock of How & Why Societies Remain Viable for Millennium, Under The Crushing Weight of Artistic Freedom, Youthful Fads, Recreational Narcotics, Foreign Intervention, Scientific Atheism, Alien Abductions, Quixotic Poltergeist Phenomena, Fundamental Pet’s Rights, Universal Health Care, The Looming Threat of The Singularity & Human Obsolescence brought on by Tomorrows Ubiquity of Robotics & Virtual Reality Opulence, Along with Oxidizing Soft Drinks & A Disappearing Ozone Layer.

If Western Civilization is Going to Survive long enough for us to see Permanent Moon Bases & The Colonization of Proxima Centauri; We are going to have to believe in some of The Foundational Institutions that Our Society Rests it’s weary Spine upon.

The Sanctity of Marriage is One of those Vapid & Ceremonial Conventions that We Know don’t mean Anything, But we have to Pretend that it does. Through Thick & Thin, Health & Sickness, Richer or Poorer, Youthful Exuberance & The Dotage of Winter’s Last Christmas with Urine Stained Presents & Egg Nog made from 7-Up & Milk of Magnesia.

It is very Sad, & I Weep for you, Those of you that are enduring your Helium Balloon Marriages, which are incapable of withstanding The Palest Rubbing against The Softest Child’s Hair, without Popping in a Violent & Expensive Divorce.

The Marriage The Mr. Wiener & I have will be preserved into our Lives amoung The Angels, where all of our Sins; Petty & Perilous, will be forgiven & forgotten.

Amen.

Exhilarating Applause or Catcalls Accompanied with Bricks.