Search Engines are Sooooo Stupid...!!!

Gawd! i hate computers, and The Internet...!!!
i would really like to access a search engine that worked with me for a few moments and then went out and found what i was really looking for, rather than superficially return millions of 'hits' that have absolutely NOTHING to do with what i'm looking for...!!!
The ideal search engine would help me catorgerize what the subject of my search is, and then properly qualify that princple heading so that it would only be looking for the ONE thing that i'm actually looking for...
This may take a few minutes, but after awhile, the user would learn how to frame the question, so that the search engine would be happy with it immediately...!
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When i was in the Eighth Grade, we spent hours and hours each day diagraming sentences...!
i find it hugely annoying that no one has been able to apply that tedium towards something usefull, like understanding simply requests in typewritten form...???!!!
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The thing i was just today looking for; is the name of that tv show that featured in it's opening sequence, the scary sheriff that busts open the door, where the light is leaking in through the cracks...???
???