One of the most troubling elements of
Classical Religiousosity
Is that: The Truth, As prescribed by these various faiths
Always reveal themselves by means of Textual Doctrines
Handed down to them from prehistorical times...
It has always been my great desire
To find a path to The Great Truths of The Universe,
Which may be discovered by Anyone, Anywhere--
At Any Time,
Without the Assistance of an Hermetic Preisthood,
Nonsensical Ritual or The Mutilation of Ones Genitals.
Furthermore;
Rather than have these Truths be available through
A Medium that is easily Distorted or Corrupted,
The Source of Great Truths that i desire;
Would be InCorruptible & Derived in such a manner,
So that The Authorship could Not come from any source--
Other Than The Makers of This Universe.
What i have discovered;
Through The Use of The Cabbage Codes Technique--
Is a Manner By Which Anyone can Examine
Any Body of Text,
Whether in be a Holy Scripture, Underground Comix,
Presidential Homecoming Announcement,
or a News Report from CNN---
And find there Within,
Secret Messages that The Mortal Creaters of these Texts
had No Knowledge of Putting There...!!!
The Great Beauty, Simplicity & Elegance of
The Original Cabbage Code Theory
Was that The Devinely Inspired Alphanumeric Key
Was always very Uncontrived Looking;
Often rigourously fixing it's progression
To a single accumulative Value...
( Resulting in a 'Perfect Key' )
Regretfully:
The Super Evil Cabbage Codes
Are a bit more complicated, And will require;
Not Indulgence for a Scurrilously Fabricated Key...
But Rather:
A willingness to see that The Gematria
& Other Great Spiritual Revelations
Are often masked by a mist that Humble Minds,
Without the benefit of Florid Halos
or Freshly Pressed Wings can easily disern.
This Definely Inspired Allegorical AlphaNumeric Key:
That Gently Opens The Middle Eye Of
Our Immensly Green Cabbage to that Special Something---
Revealing To All Sentient Beings
with A Hyperdoxic Can Opener,
Tucked neatly away behind their Frontal Cortex...
All The Truly Important Scraps of Trivia & Pointless Bilge
That Hamsters may Never even Dream of.
***********
The Slightly Irregular
Tower of Agermennon's Cousin; Beatrice
( Featuring Two Mysterious Pathways of Particular Intellectual Glamour )
84....60....28....56....28....60....84
.............A.....B.....C............
...................D..................
.E.................F...........G......
...................H..................
.I...................................K
...................L..................
...................N..................
.O...................................Q
.......S.......................T.....U
...................V..................
.......W...........X.....Y............
Beyound these Characters within the Tower;
There are several that predispose themselves to even more Special Realms
that shine down upon us sickly mortals:
J = 120 : The Number of Angels that may Polka on the Head of a Pin
P = 112 : The Number of Eyes of a Seraphim
R = 10 : The Original Number of Fingers on Each of Adam's Hands
And Two Windows that Look out Onto Landscapes of Paradise & Horror...
( which is which...??? )
M = -44 : The Number of Animals that Noah ate during The Great Deluge
Z = -50 : The Number of Cards in a Deck of Playing Cards in Purgatory
...
Given these Values:
G = 60 + O = 84 + O = 84 + D = 56 :: Sum to 284
A = 28 + N = 56 + G = 60 + E = 84 + L = 56 :: Sum to 284
Thus Good = Angel
An Obvious Tautology!
But what do you make of:
Open = Closed ( 336 )
This is substantially more metaphysical
And begins to hint that Great Truths are often Counter Intuitive!
Tomb = Womb ( 156 )
Hopeful = Hopeless ( 532 )
Filthy = Saintly ( 342 )
Tragedy = Manhattan ( 328 )
Wastebaskets = Moviehouses ( 628 )
Paradise = Dreadful ( 430 )
Space = Void ( 280 )
Heavens = Endless ( 392 )
Journey = Eternity ( 468 )
Endlessly = Daisychain ( 478 )
Mind = Shame ( 152 )
Absolute = Unknown ( 480 )
I'm = Me ( 40 )
Consciousness = Breakthroughs ( 700 )
Wartime = Horrors ( 282 )
Bellevue = Oblivion ( 560 )
Nothing = Catatonic ( 456 )
Praying = Therapy ( 380 )
Ungodly = Insanity ( 426 )
Peace = Buddha ( 336 )
Kill = Life ( 280 )
ExitStrategy = Invincible ( 644 )
Freedom = Criminals ( 330 )
Oil = Die ( 224 )
Animals = Manless ( 236 )
Doom = Bombs ( 180 )
Madness = Dadaism ( 236 )
Capitalism = Hysterical ( 464 )
Golden = Angelic ( 396 )
Poverty = Emptied ( 436 )
Republicans = Drunkenness ( 626 )
Microsoft = Monstrous Migraines ( Each 390 )
- - - - - -
Afghanistan Weeping ( Each 540 )
Peace Ended ( Each 336 )
Iraq Burn ( Each 206 )
Joined Buttocks ( Each 484 )
These Those ( Each 312 )
GWBush Against Jesus ( Each 344 )
God Who? The Big Fog! ( Each 200 )
Islam Moans ( Each 152 )
SocialSecurity Illuminations ( Each 716 )
...
Who but The Great Cabbage
Could reveal these Truths in such a manner?
The Most Startling ( Yet Anticipated ) Sums:
{ Get our your Calculators & Check for Accuracy! }
- - - - - - -
George W. Bush = 666
Richard B. Cheney = 666
Donald Rumsfeld = 666
John Ashcroft = 666
Condoleezza Rice = 666
...
Further Evidence of the Validity of This Key...
...
644) Invincible + 22) Arms = 666
162) Screams + 504) Returning = 666
374) Ghostly + 292) Reply = 666
402) Serious + 264) Amnesia = 666
172) It's + 494) Breathing = 666
40) I'm + 626) Drunkenness = 666
432) Twisted + 234) Brain = 666
242) Empty+ 424) United = 666
208) Cosmos + 458) Scribbled = 666
198) Sexy + 468) Joyride = 666
386) Humorless + 280) Space = 666
448) Obsessed + 218) America = 666
210) Money + 456) Genitals = 666
226) Holy + 440) Hometown = 666
362) Pilgrim + 304) Sorrows = 666
330) Empire + 336) Ended = 666
316) Sweet & 302) Tender = 666
320) Opium + 346) Heroes = 666
456) Catatonic + 210) Dynamo = 666
320) Freely + 346) Burned = 666
316) Night + 350) Scripts = 666
206) Rise + 460) Visionary = 666
466) Coldwater + 200) Bath = 666
366) Bloody + 300) Records = 666
478) Endlessly + 188) Alcatraz = 666
...
Crazy + Armed = Doom
Her + Coldwater = Hydrotherapy
I'm + Robot = Screaming
Invincibles = Purgatoried
Burned + Sex = Theology
Filthy + Moans = Breathing
Bloody + Alcatraz = Sweetheart
Catalog + Humor = Governments
Fur + Crazy = FBI
Grass + Alchemy = Kabbalah
Sweats + Obsessed = Intellectual
Peyote + Dreamt = Angelheaded
At + Abyss = Terror
Dramas + Arms = Game
Holy + Twisted = Revolution
...
How could it not be True?
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